Sibling Rivalry - Why can't they just get along?

Over the recent school holidays, I found myself deep in the trenches of that age-old parenting challenge: sibling rivalry.

I had envisioned some sweet family time—slow mornings, shared games, laughter echoing through the house.

But instead? I was breaking up fight after fight, navigating endless “He broke my Lego!” and “He’s not playing with me!” arguments.

By the end of the second week, I felt exhausted and on edge.

And when that happens, I do what I always do - I reach for the books. I turn to trusted parenting wisdom to not only help me make sense of what’s happening in my own home, but so I can also share what I learn with you, too.

One resource I came back to was the incredibly practical and compassionate book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

What I found inside was exactly what I needed: real-life tools and strategies to navigate these squabbles - and start supporting my kids in learning how to live together with more empathy and emotional safety.

So, if sibling tension has been high in your house lately - or you’re just tired of feeling like a full-time referee - you’re not alone.

Let’s explore how we can shift the sibling dynamic from competition to connection, and create a little more peace for everyone—especially you.

Why Do Siblings Fight?

It’s easy to blame the bickering on personalities or age gaps. But Faber and Mazlish help us zoom out and see the bigger picture.

Children don’t fight because they’re bad or mean. They often fight because they’re competing for your time, your attention, and your approval.

Sibling rivalry is often rooted in comparison—whether intentional or not.

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “He always finishes his chores, why can’t you?” “She’s the sporty one; he’s the smart one.”

Even subtle comparisons can plant seeds of resentment. When children feel like they’re being ranked or labelled, the competition heats up.

A Mindful Shift: From Comparison to Connection

One of the key takeaways from Siblings Without Rivalry is this:

Every child needs to feel uniquely valued—not compared.

Instead of forcing fairness or trying to treat your kids exactly the same, the authors suggest treating them according to their individual needs.

That might look like:

• “You’re upset that your brother got new shoes? You wish you had some too. Tell me more.”

• “You want help with that puzzle? Okay, I’m with you now.”

• “You feel like I always cuddle your sister first. That makes you feel left out. Thank you for telling me.”

By listening deeply and acknowledging each child’s unique feelings, you ease the emotional competition.

What to Do In the Moment of a Fight

In the heat of a sibling clash, it’s tempting to play referee. But jumping in to judge who’s right and who’s wrong often backfires.

Instead, Faber and Mazlish offer a mindful communication strategy:

1. Acknowledge feelings first “Wow, you’re both really upset.”

   
   

2. Describe the problem neutrally “Two kids, one toy. That’s hard.”

   
   

3. Express confidence in their problem-solving “I trust you two can come up with a solution together. I’m here if you need help.”

By staying calm, neutral, and emotionally present, you teach your children how to handle conflict respectfully—and model emotional regulation at the same time.

Repairing the Relationship After a Big Fight

Sometimes, the fights go too far. Words are said. Tears are shed. Maybe even toys were thrown.

In these moments, your job isn’t to lecture. It’s to guide your children in repair—so they can learn the power of accountability, empathy, and connection.

Try saying:

• “What do you think your sister felt when that happened?”

• “What might help her feel better now?”

• “What can we do differently next time?”

  
  

This mindful repair process is how siblings build emotional intelligence and learn to truly understand one another—not just “get along.”

A Gentle Reminder for Parents About Sibling Rivalry

If your home feels like a battlefield right now, take a breath.

You’re not failing. You’re raising little humans with big feelings and developing brains.

The goal isn’t to eliminate all sibling conflict—that’s unrealistic.

The goal is to support your kids in learning how to navigate their conflict with compassion, boundaries, and emotional honesty.

And that starts with you.

Want More Tools for Staying Calm When the Kids Aren’t?

Download our free guide: “So You Yelled… Now What?” It’s full of simple scripts to help you repair after you’ve lost your cool—because it happens to all of us.

And if sibling rivalry is making your home feel more stressful than supportive, you’re not alone.

My coaching and group programs are here to help you bring more calm, connection, and cooperation into your family life.

DM me on Instagram @mindfulparentinglifestyle Or explore my online offerings to take the first step toward a calmer, more connected home.

About Me

Hi, I’m Nina, founder of Mindful Parenting Lifestyle.

I help overwhelmed, heart-led parents move from frustration and burnout to calm, confident connection with their kids.

As a certified Mindful Parenting coach trained in the powerful framework developed by Hunter Clarke-Fields, I specialise in supporting parents who are ready to break generational cycles, stop yelling, and create more peace at home—even when life feels messy.

I know firsthand how hard parenting can be when you’re juggling all the things and still trying to be the best version of yourself.

That’s why I’m here—to walk beside you, not judge you. Whether it’s through my online courses, group programs, or one-on-one coaching, my mission is to help you feel less alone, more empowered, and deeply connected to your children (and yourself).

Let’s rewrite the parenting story—together.

Learn more about my offerings: https://www.mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au/mindful-parenting

Connect with me on Instagram: @mindful_parenting_lifestyle/

Download your free guide, “So You Yelled… Now What?” https://www.mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au/so-you-yelled-org