Ep17. Mess Stress: Why Won’t Your Kids Tidy Up?

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When your child refuses to tidy their room, it’s rarely just about the mess.

In this episode, we explore the real reasons kids resist cleaning, and how to approach the situation in a way that builds connection rather than conflict.

You’ll learn practical strategies for both younger and older kids, playful ways to make tidy-up time fun, and how simplifying their space can reduce stress for the whole family.

You’ll Learn

• The key difference between cleaning and tidying - and why this matters for kids.

• How to work out whether tidying is a need or a want, and why it’s worth knowing.

• A simple three-step mindful approach to getting kids on board.

• Playful ways to make tidying enjoyable for little ones.

• How to set up your child’s space for success so they’re more likely to keep it tidy.

• The research-backed benefits of simplifying and decluttering for children’s wellbeing.

Why This Episode Matters

Messy rooms aren’t just an eyesore - they can be a source of stress for both parents and kids.

The way we handle these moments teaches children not only how to care for their space, but also how to manage responsibility, follow through on tasks, and work together as a family.

This episode gives you the tools to make tidy-up time calmer, more collaborative, and far less stressful.

Take Home Action

Choose one part of your child’s room - just one - and work together to reset or simplify it.

• If your child is younger, make it a game.

• If they’re older, involve them in the decision-making.

Notice what changes when the space is easier to manage.

Take the Next Step

If tidying up is just one of many daily battles in your home, and you’d like personalised support, book an SOS Parenting Support Call. Together we’ll create a simple, realistic plan that works for your family’s needs. Use the code SOSPATH for 50% off.

Links Mentioned

• Ep11. Tired of Doing It All? What Needs to Change? With Eva Rado https://www.mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au/post/episode11

• Book your SOS Parenting Support Call

Resources Mentioned

• Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne Discover how simplifying your child’s environment can boost creativity, focus, and emotional wellbeing. (Please note this is an affiliate link)

• Messy Minimalism by Rachelle Crawford Learn a realistic, flexible approach to decluttering that works for busy families and imperfect homes. (Please note this is an affiliate link)

Let’s Connect

I love hearing from you! Send me a DM on Instagram or shoot me an email! Let me know how this episode resonated or what challenge you’re working through right now.

• Follow Nina on Instagram

• Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

• Email: nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

About the Host

Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach and mum of three energetic boys. She helps parents move from feeling overwhelmed and reactive to feeling calm, confident, and connected with their kids.

Through her coaching programs, workshops, and podcast, Nina shares practical tools and mindset shifts that make a big difference - without adding more to an already full plate.

As a parent herself, Nina knows that a messy room can sometimes feel like the last straw in an already exhausting day. But she’s also seen how these moments can be turned into opportunities - not just to get the space tidy, but to build skills, independence, and teamwork in children.

Her approach blends empathy with clear boundaries, helping parents create home environments where kids feel capable and responsible for their own spaces.

In Your Calm Parenting Path, Nina offers honest conversations and actionable strategies for raising children with kindness and calm - while still holding the boundaries that matter most. Her mission is to help parents transform everyday stress points, like “mess stress,” into moments of connection, growth, and lasting habit-building.

Transcript

This transcript has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

Hey there, and welcome back to Your Calm Parenting Path.

Today’s episode is for anyone who’s ever opened the door to their child’s bedroom and thought: “Where do I even begin?” Maybe you’ve asked your child to clean their room five times already today, or maybe you’ve given up and done it yourself just to avoid the fight.

If you’re nodding along, you are so not alone. This is one of the most common frustrations parents share with me.

In this episode, we’re going to take a step back from the mess and look at what’s really going on when kids won’t clean their room. I’ll walk you through a calm, connected approach that helps children learn to take responsibility for their space, in a way that feels manageable for them and a whole lot less stressful for you.

We’ll talk about how to make tidy-up time easier and even fun, especially for younger kids, and why this seemingly small task can actually be the beginning of some really important lifelong habits. Let’s dive in.

Before we can help our kids take care of their space, we need to get really clear on what we’re actually asking them to do—and why. There are two distinctions that can make a huge difference in how we approach this: the difference between cleaning and tidying, and the difference between needing something to be done, versus just wanting it to be.

Cleaning and tidying often get lumped together, but they’re actually quite different. Cleaning is about hygiene—it’s the grown-up stuff like wiping sticky surfaces, scrubbing bathroom sinks, vacuuming under beds. It’s about keeping a space health and safe. Tidying, on the other hand, is about putting things back where they belong. That might be putting clothes in a hamper, toys in their basket, or books back on a shelf. It’s about resetting a space so it feels calm and functional.

Most of the time when we say “clean your room,” what we really mean is “tidy up your space.”

And when we’re not clear about that, it can leave kids confused, overwhelmed, or even resistant.

So when your five-year-old stares blankly at you after being told to “clean up,” it’s not defiance—it’s likely confusion or overwhelm. Instead, try giving them small, doable tasks like:

• “Let’s put all the cars back in the box together.”

• “Can you gather up all the clothes on the floor and I’ll open the laundry basket?”

By naming the task and narrowing the focus, you're turning “clean your room” from a mountain into a manageable step—and you're helping them build those skills for the future.

The second distinction is around whether this task is something that actually needs to happen, or whether it’s something we simply want to happen. Now, this is a gentle invitation to check in with yourself, not a judgment.

Needing a room to be cleaned might be about safety—like tripping hazards or old food being left out—or about shared responsibility in a space that other family members use. But often, our desire for tidiness comes from our own emotional need for calm.

Maybe you feel anxious when the house is messy. Maybe you were raised to see a tidy space as a sign of being in control. Maybe it’s just been a long day, and the mess feels like one more thing you can’t manage.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a tidy space. But when we acknowledge that it’s about us, we can approach our kids with more flexibility and connection. We might say, “Hey, I know this doesn’t bother you, but I feel really overwhelmed when I see everything on the floor. Can we spend five minutes tidying together before dinner?” That small shift—naming the request, connecting before directing—can change the whole dynamic.

It becomes less about forcing compliance and more about working together to create a home environment that works for everyone.

When you know which category your request falls into—need or want—you can match your tone, timing, and expectations to that. It’s a small mindset shift that can have a big impact on how your child responds

Once you’ve clarified what you’re asking and why, the next step is to support your child in actually doing it—without yelling, bribing, or having to repeat yourself ten times. This is where a simple three-step mindful approach can make all the difference. It’s especially helpful if your child tends to get overwhelmed by big tasks, or if you find yourself constantly repeating the same instructions.

The first step is to connect before you correct. This means approaching your child not with a demand, but with warmth and presence. For younger kids, this might look like sitting beside them and saying, “Wow, this dinosaur city you’ve made is amazing. Can you tell me about it before we tidy it up together?”

That little pause to engage with their world makes them feel seen, and it makes it easier to transition into the task.

For older kids—think ten and up—it might sound like, “Hey, I know you’ve had a big day. I’d love to work out a plan to tidy your room together—it’s been feeling a bit hard for me to walk through, and I’m guessing it’s probably not feeling great for you either.”

The second step is to be clear and collaborative. “Clean your room” is vague. It means something different to every child—and often to every parent too. For younger kids, try offering a choice: “Do you want to start with the blocks or the books?” or “Let’s put the animals in their box together, then we can stack the puzzles.”

For older kids, you can create a checklist together: “What do you think we need to do to get your room back to a calm place? Clothes away? Clear floor? Rubbish in the bin?” The key here is to break the task into manageable chunks and invite your child to be part of the solution.

The third step is to stay calm, kind, and consistent. This might sound simple, but I know it’s not always easy—especially if this has become a recurring stress point in your home.

For younger kids, it might be saying, “I won’t let you leave the room like this—it’s not safe to have toys all over the floor. I’ll help you with the first part, and then we’ll finish together.”

For older kids, you could say, “We don’t need perfection, but this does need to be done before bedtime. Would you rather get it done all at once or do it in two ten-minute bursts?”

Being calm and firm doesn’t mean you’re giving in—it means you’re leading with connection and clarity, which is what our kids need most when they feel overwhelmed.

There is a great quote in a book called 'Messy Minimalism by Rachel Crawford - Minimalism doesn't mean always tidy, it means easily tidied. So I invite you to think about whether your home is easily tidied.

Now if this process is something you’d like to work on more deeply across the whole household—not just with kids, but with partners too—be sure to go back and listen to Episode 11, where I spoke with Eva Rado. We talked about how families can share responsibilities more fairly using her reWHYR framework, and how getting kids involved in caring for their space is part of something much bigger. It’s not just about tidying—it’s about respect, contribution, and building habits that serve everyone in the family. I’ll link to this episode in the show notes.

Let’s talk about the younger ones—toddlers, preschoolers, even early primary schoolers. At this age, they don’t have the internal motivation to tidy. But what they do have is an openness to play. So if we can tap into that, tidy-up time doesn’t have to be a fight—it can actually be something they look forward to.

Try sorting by colour—“Let’s find all the red toys and pop them in this basket!” Or use a tidy-up timer: “We’re going to see how many things we can put away before the song ends!” Music, races, even silly characters—like a puppet who “doesn’t know how to clean up”—can all turn the task into something playful. One of my favourite tricks is to make it a team effort. For example: “I’ll hold the basket while you toss in the blocks,” or “Let’s see if we can put away ALLL the red things on the floor – we’ll go through all the colours of the rainbow.”

The key here is that you’re not sending your child off to do this alone. You’re doing it with them. You’re teaching the steps, helping them feel capable, and setting the foundation for independence in the future.

It might feel like just another chore, but teaching your child to tidy their room is about so much more than neat floors and made beds. It’s about building life skills—organisation, responsibility, time management—and giving your child the sense that they can take care of their environment.

When we support our children in learning these habits, rather than doing it all for them, we’re sending a powerful message: “I believe you’re capable, and I’m here to help you grow.” That belief becomes part of how they see themselves. It shapes how they approach schoolwork, friendships, future jobs—even how they care for their own homes one day.

So if your toddler needs help picking up every toy, that’s okay. You’re not failing—you’re scaffolding. And if your tween rolls their eyes at yet another tidy-up reminder, remember, they’re still learning too.

Now, Sometimes, the real issue isn’t motivation—it’s overwhelm. If your child’s room is overflowing with stuff, no amount of tidy-up songs is going to make it feel manageable. This is where simplification can be a game-changer.

Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, found that when families reduced clutter—especially toys—kids played more creatively, argued less, and were better able to focus and regulate their emotions. A simplified environment supports a calmer nervous system, not just for kids, but for adults too.

So take a look at what’s in your child’s space. Are there too many toys? Are things hard to put away because they don’t have a clear home? You might try a toy rotation—keeping some toys out and storing others away—or labelling baskets with pictures to make tidying easier. And if your child is older, involve them in the process. Ask: “What don’t you use anymore?” or “What makes this space feel heavy?”

If your child is older, ask yourself—is their wardrobe space actually functional for them? Are hangers too high, drawers too stiff, or clothes overstuffed and hard to sort through? Sometimes it’s not that they’re unwilling to put things away—it’s that the setup isn’t age-appropriate or user-friendly.

The same goes for toy or book storage. If a child can’t reach the shelf or has to dump out a whole box just to find one thing, they’re far less likely to tidy it up afterward. When we make spaces more accessible and manageable, we’re not just reducing mess—we’re helping our kids build confidence and independence. It becomes less about nagging and more about enabling them to succeed.

You don’t need a Pinterest-perfect playroom. You just need a space your child can manage—and feel good in.

Here’s your small shift for this week. Choose one part of your child’s room—just one—and work together to reset or simplify it. That might be decluttering the bookshelf, tidying the toy box, or even creating a little calm zone in one corner.

If your child is younger, make it playful. If they’re older, ask for their ideas and invite them into the process. And then, step back and notice: do they use the space more? Do they seem calmer? Are they more willing to tidy it next time?

When your child won’t clean their room, it’s not just about the mess—it’s about how we communicate, how we teach, and how we support them to grow.

So the next time you feel that frustration rising, pause. Ask yourself: Am I asking for cleaning or tidying? Is this a want or a need? And then go back to connection, clarity, and calm. Your child doesn’t need perfection—they need guidance. And with your support, they’ll get there.

If this episode has sparked a lightbulb moment, I’d love to hear about it. And if you’re facing daily battles around mess or motivation and you’d like some personalised support, you can book an SOS Parenting Support Call through the link in the show notes.

Thanks so much for joining me, and I’ll see you next time on Your Calm Parenting Path.