Ep8. What’s the Secret to Calm, Clear Boundaries?

Do you ever wonder how to set firm, loving boundaries without turning into a drill sergeant or a ball of guilt? In this episode, Nina shares why boundaries matter, how they help your child feel safe, and a simple phrase you can start using today to transform the way you parent in tough moments.

You’ll Learn

• Why boundaries make kids feel safe, not restricted

• The key difference between limits and punishments

• How to hold a boundary without yelling or guilt

• Real-life examples of calm, connected boundary-setting in action

• A simple go-to phrase you can use in the heat of the moment

Why This Episode Matters

Setting limits is one of the trickiest parts of parenting - but it’s also one of the most important.

When we hold boundaries with love and clarity, we show our children that their feelings are okay and their world is safe.

This episode will help you shift from control to connection, and from reactivity to calm, confident guidance.

Take-Home Action

Try using the phrase, “I won’t let you [unsafe behaviour], but you can [safe alternative].” at least once this week.

Notice how it feels, and how your child responds. Small shifts make a big difference!

Take the Next Step

If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to invite you to check out my Big Feelings Masterclass. It’s packed with practical tools to help you manage big emotions - both yours and your child’s—before, during, and after those tricky moments.

And if you’re looking for a more personalised approach, book an SOS Parenting Support Call with me for a chance to chat about your specific challenges and get 1-2 clear, actionable strategies to try right away. Don’t forget to use the code SOSPATH to save $50.

Links and Resources Mentioned

• Big Feelings Masterclass 

• SOS Parent Support Call 

Let’s Connect

Follow Nina on Instagram and send her a DM - she’d love to hear how this episode landed for you!

About the Host

Nina is a mindful parenting coach, mum of three, and the host of Your Calm Parenting Path.

Through her coaching, courses, and podcast, she helps parents shift from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident, and connected - one small step at a time.

Transcript

This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

Nina: You're listening to your calm parenting path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress, and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram, Mindful parenting Lifestyle. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.

Nina: Hello, lovely. Welcome back to your calm parenting path. I'm really glad you've tuned in today because we are talking about something that shows up in pretty much every home every day. Setting limits. But not just any limits. Loving, kind and clear limits. You know, the ones that keep your house from descending into chaos without turning you into a drill sergeant or a puddle of guilt and frustration. If you've ever wondered, why does it feel so hard to say no without, uh, either snapping or feeling awful about it, then this episode is for you. I'm going to show you that setting boundaries can be something you do with your child, not to them. And we're going to walk through real life scenarios like hitting stick, play, throwing Lego, because, let's be honest, Instagram parenting advice doesn't always work when the toddler is wielding a stick like a lightsaber, right? So take a deep breath, maybe grab a cuper or pop in those earbuds while you fold the laundry, and let's get into it. So let's start with a quick reframe. Boundaries are not mean. In fact, they're the opposite. Clear boundaries make our kids feel safe. They let our kids know that we're the grown ups, that we've got them, that we can handle their big feelings and they don't need to be in charge. Kids thrive when they know what's expected. And they test those limits not to upset us, but to make sure those limits are real and loving and consistent. This is their way of saying, can I trust you to hold me through this? Now, let's bust a myth. Limits are, um, not punishments. Punishments say you're bad. Now I'm going to make you pay limits. Say this behaviour isn't okay and I'm here to guide you through it. See the difference? One is about control. The other is about connection. And that's what we're aiming for. So how do we hold a limit without yelling, without giving in? And without spiralling into guilt, here's the shorter we be calm, we be clear, we be kind. It starts with us, our tone, our body language, our confidence. The more regulated we are, the more secure our kids feel and the less likely they are to escalate. Instead of shouting, threatening or giving in out of exhaustion, we want to anchor ourselves. Remember the pause from episode three and speak with clarity and warmth. You don't need to be harsh to be firm. You don't need to yell to be heard. And you don't need to feel guilty for holding a limit that keeps you, your child or someone else safe. Alright, uh, let's get practical. Let's walk through some real life situations. The kind that might make your blood pressure spike and your'calm just fly out the window. I'll describe the situation, give your a moment to think about how you might usually respond, and then I'll offer a calm, connected version that you can use. So, scenario one. You're at the park. Your child picks up a big stick and starts swinging it near other kids. And actually this happened at school yesterday. What would you say in that moment? Here's how that might sound. Using the calm and clear approach. I, uh, won't let you swing that stick near other people, but you can use it over here where there's no one close. This response does a few things. It stops unsafe behaviour. It keeps you calm and in control and it still allows your child to do what they're trying to do, but in a safe way. Okay, scenario two. Your child gets frustrated and hits their little sister. You hear the smack, the cry, and you feel that whoosh of heat rise in your body. Big mama bear comes out.

Nina: Take a breath.

Nina: What would you normally say? Let's try the calm version. I won't let you hit your sister. You're feeling really angry. Let's find another way to let that out. You can hit this cushion or stomp your feet so you're not brushing past the anger. You're acknowledging it and giving them a safe outlet. And you're doing it in a way that teaches not shames. Scenario 3. This is a big one. In my house, drawing on the walls. You leave your child alone in the lounge room for two minutes. And when you come back, your child has turned the wall into their personal art gallery. There's big bold swirls of permanent marker over the wall and they are beaming with pride. Your heart sinks. You might feel angry, shocked, or just utterly deflated. Pause with me. What do you normally say? Now let's try this calm Version I, uh, won't let you draw on the walls. Walls aren't for drawing. But let's set up a giant piece of paper on the floor so you can keep creating your amazing art. And m, here's why this works. You're holding the boundary that drawing on walls is not okay. You're protecting their sense of creativity they were expressing, not misbehaving. You're offering an alternative that feels like a yes, even within a no. And you're channelling the urge to create in a way that works for both of you. And a little bonus tip for this one. Don't forget the repair. So you could say, after we clean up the wall together, we'll set up your special drawing spot. Let's make it awesome. And then this turns a boundary into a collaboration. And that's where the real magic is. Our final scenario, throwing Lego. You walk into the room and LEGO is flying through the air like confetti. And maybe one's already hit you. Ouch. Okay, last one. What's your usual response? Here's another way. I, uh, won't let you throw the Lego. You can feel angry, but Lego is for building. If you need to throw something, let's go find the softballs and go outside. You're connecting, not controlling. You're teaching, not punishing. So let's zoom out. Now, every one of those examples follows a simple structure. I won't let you X which is the unsafe or unacceptable behaviour, but you can Y which is the safe, acceptable behaviour. That one phrase can transform how you parent in tough moments. It keeps the message clear, the connection strong, and your child's dignity intact. I won't let u X, but you can. Why? You can see how each of these moments, whether it's playing sticks, hitting, scribbling on walls, or throwing Lego can shift. When we bring calm, clear, kind energy to the limit. It's not about having the perfect words every time. It's about showing up with presence, with confidence, with connection, and knowing that even when our child is losing it, we don't have to. So if you're wondering where to even begin with this, you don't need to overhaul everything. Let's keep it simple. Your tiny shift for this week is to try using I, uh, won't let you X, but you can. Why? Once in a real life situation, pick one situation. Maybe it's messy, play gone wild. Maybe its a meltdown over screen time. Maybe its something that you know comes up every week. Try this phrase. Say it gently but with confidence. You dont t need to sound like a parenting robot. Just speak like yourself with love and clarity. And look, it may feel a bit awkward at first, and that's totally okay. What matters is that you're trying, you're showing up differently, and that shift, that's what changes everything over time. You are doing such a beautiful job, even when it doesn't feel like it. Uh, parenting is a constant dance of holding on and letting go, guiding and listening, showing up again and again, even when you're tired, overwhelmed or unsure. These moments of setting kind, clear limits are acts of love. You're showing your child that their world is safe, their big feelings are okay, and you're right here beside them. If this episode has struck a chord with you, if you'd like more support navigating the messy moments, I'd love to invite you to check out my Big Feelings masterclass Inside, we explore what to do in the moment, how to prepare before, and how to gently unpack everything after. There are tools that you can use today and others that build over time. You can find everything@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au or just look.

Nina: At the show notes.

Nina: Thanks for spending this time with me today.

Nina: I'll see you next week. And until then, remember, boundaries aren't, um, barriers, they're bridges. Thanks for listening to your calm parenting path. I am so glad you're here and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list@mindfulareentinglifestyle.com.au for more tips and insights, or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your calm parenting path.