Ep26. Is It Bad Behaviour - or a Cry for Help? with Nicola McAlister
- Nina Visic
- Oct 15
- 26 min read
In today’s episode, Nina is joined by Nicola McAlister - child development consultant, trainer, and founder of The Regulated Child UK. With over 30 years' experience in education and foster care, Nicola shares how to move from reactive parenting to responsive, attuned support using her simple 5-step self-regulation model.
They dive into practical ways to reframe 'bad behaviour', reduce stress for both you and your child, and co-regulate through everyday routines like getting dressed, managing transitions, or even surviving the school run!
You’ll Learn:
Why traditional “rewards and consequences” systems often don’t work
The power of seeing behaviour as a signal, not a problem
A 5-step framework to support your child’s self-regulation
Scripts and language you can start using straight away
How to shift from firefighting behaviour to preventing it
Why your regulation matters most when things feel hard
Nicola's 5-Step Self-Regulation Framework:
Goal - Get specific about what your child needs to do. Break down big routines (like bedtime) into smaller, manageable tasks.
Predict - Talk about what might be tricky or stressful before it happens. Help your child anticipate and name challenges.
Plan - Collaborate on a plan together. Ask open questions like “What might help?” so your child feels invested and supported.
Do - Support your child in the moment with co-regulation. Stay nearby, offer reminders, or use visuals if needed.
Review -Afterward, reflect together (without shame). Celebrate what worked or adjust the plan with curiosity and care.
Why This Episode Matters
So often, we react to behaviour without understanding the need underneath. This conversation offers a gentler, more effective approach - one that’s rooted in connection, development, and real-world parenting. If you’ve ever wondered why your child is acting out - or how to support them differently - this episode is a must-listen.
Take Home Action
Pause before reacting. Ask yourself, “How regulated am I right now?”
Your child can only borrow your calm if you’ve got some to give. Start there.
Take the Next Step
Nicola has kindly provided a free download to support your parenting: The Regulated Child Self-Regulation Scripts — get your copy here
To learn more about Nicola’s work or explore her coaching and training programs, visit her website.
Looking for more support on your own mindful parenting journey? Nina offers 1:1 coaching, digital resources, and group programs to help you respond (not react), create calmer routines, and feel more confident in your parenting even on the tough days. Find out more here.
Links and Resources
Free download: The Regulated Child Self-Regulation Scripts
Episode Referenced
Let’s Connect
Follow Nina on Instagram
Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au
About the Hosts
Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach, podcast host, and founder of Mindful Parenting Lifestyle. Based in Perth, Australia, she supports overwhelmed parents who want to raise their kids with more calm, connection, and intention — but find themselves stuck in the cycle of yelling, guilt, and burnout.
Through her coaching programs, group workshops, and digital resources, Nina helps parents shift from reactive to responsive parenting using mindfulness, emotional regulation strategies, and the principles of Parent Effectiveness Training. She's also the creator of Your Calm Parenting Path podcast, where she shares real-life stories, research-backed tools, and conversations with experts to help families create the peaceful homes they crave.
As a mum of three boys, Nina knows firsthand the messy, beautiful reality of parenting — and brings warmth, honesty, and practical support to every conversation..
Nicola McAlister is a trainer, consultant, and founder of The Regulated Child UK. Based in Fife, Scotland, she brings over 30 years of experience in education and foster care, specialising in child development and behaviour.
Nicola works with parents, carers, and professionals to shift from reactive strategies to proactive support - using developmental knowledge and simple, practical tools.
She’s also a mum to two wonderful children, including a neurodivergent child - so she truly walks the talk and understands the day-to-day challenges of parenting. Her warm, practical approach has helped countless families build better relationships, reduce conflict, and support emotional growth.
Transcript
This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.
Nina: You're listening to your calm parenting path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum m here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy pick because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram Mindful parenting lifestyle and don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.
Nina: Hello and welcome back to your calm parenting path. Today I'm joined by Nicola McAllister, a trainer and consultant from Fife in Scotland. Our first international guest. With over 30 years experienc in education and foster care, Nicola now supports parents and professionals through her business, the Regulated Child uk, helping them understand children's behaviour through the lens of self regulation. She's passionate about helping adults move from reacting to responding so we can better support the children in our care. And as a mum of two children herself, including a neurodivergent child, she really gets the everyday challenges that family's face. I'm so excited to share this conversation with you. Let's dive in. Welcome, Nicola.
Nicola: Thank you very much, Dina. And thank you for having me along. All the way from the other side of the world.
Nina: I love this. This is what podcasts can do for people, isn't it?
Nicola: Absolutely.
Nina: Now, can you begin just by telling us a little bit about yourself and what led you to focus on child development, behaviour and self regulation?
Nicola: Okay, well, I actuallygan life as a primary school teacher and I moved really quite quickly from mainstream teaching into working within a setting for children who were experiencing social, emotional and behaviorural needs. And really our traditional styles of behaviour management was not effective for those children for a number of reasons. But one of the main reasons, you know, are when all we do is focus on consequences, which traditional behavioior systems are, it's all about rewards and consequences. All we're doing is focusing on the behavur and you know, we're missing a big part of the jigsaw which is behaviour is actually the signal, it's the cue that ah, a child's inner system is in complete chaos. It's functioning under real high levels of stress. So what we ended up just doing was firefighting again and again and again. So we were looking uh, at different ways of supporting our children in schools and it really was, it was a great time when there was a lot of um, research and work being done around child development and brain development and how our early experiences impact on, on how we react and how we respond. So with that in mind, you know, we were really looking through the developmental lens, you know, and when you think about it, you know, we're really focused, you know, as parents on child development. We're focused on, you know, how do we support our child to, you know, when they're really little to walk and to talk and you know, to feed themselves and when they get older, you know, how do we help them in school you to learn to read and to write. The big thing that we don't focus on that is super important is how do we support self regulation within our child which is um, a real social area of child development. And if we can support our child to develop self regulation which is supporting them to set goals and we're talking about daily goals. So it's goals such as, you know, getting out of bed, brushing, putting your clothes on, having a shower, packing your stool bag, supporting them to stay focused on what they need to do to navigate the curveballs that come their way to deal with the stressors. Because that's what self regulation is, it's how our body copes with stress. And our children, they experience stress everywhere and their little brains are still under construction. So we need to use our fully constructed brains to support their kind of little brains that are still under construction and support them to regulate their little bodies and brains when they go and gets really tough. So that's the kind of journey that I've been on is moving from that quite kind of consequence based style of looking at behaviour, understanding that behavur communication
00:05:00
Nicola: behaviour is about unmet needs. And actually we're in really powerful position as parents who come along um, and support our children and to meet those needs in different ways and to do that really proactively so we can actually minimise some of those behaviours while supporting our developing trial.
Nina: Oh Nicola, that's so, so good. I loved what you said about how you were uh, fire extinguishing, all these little issues that came up and that's like the situation where you're helping the kids at the bottom of the cliff that have fallen down. But what we need to do is get them to the point where they're not falling down. And I really like that analogy with the fire extinguisher and so talking about seeing that behavur through a different lens to be able to come from what Is that need that needs to be met that's kind of causing their behaviour and prompting their behavur. So when parents have had this shift and you've seen it through your coaching, how does that affect how they parent and their way that they're viewing their children?
Nicola: It's a game changer. You know, it's hard. Let's not be around the bushn, uh, our behaviour is really tricky. You know, when you've got a child who is overwhelmed and they may be kicking or screaming or biting or slamming doors or shouting at you, it's really difficult not to react. Um, and um, not to respond to that because, you know, behavioior'contagious emotions are contagious. But what a real game changer is just stopping and thinking, right, okay, how do I feel right now? And if you are feeling overwhelmed or angry or uh, upset or completely confused, then the chances are that your child is feeling the exact same but tenfold to that. So it's kind of, it's looking through the lens of rather than challenging behaviour or unwanted behaviours. It's really kind of understanding if we just even shift the language, Nina, to rather than challenging behaviour. What about distressed behaviour? And I think as, as we see or we think about our child as being distressed rather than being challenging, all of a sudden something shifts within us because why would we not help our child if they were distressed? Yeah, why would we not do whatever we could to soothe them, to get them back to a place of feeling um, un safe and connected? But if we look at it through the lens of they're being challenging, they're being manipulative, they're being consoling, being volatile and we put all those labels, then we react and we respond differently. So I think sometimes, but just by shifting that language of let's look through the lens of distressed behaviour and as soon as we look through the lens of distress, automatically we gift how we react and we respond and we actually kind of hu to our child and we, and in our heads we're thinking, okay, how can I heal? How can I support you?
Nina: That is so powerful. Even as you talk, I can already feel the shift from that language. You know, the difficult child, challenging child, distressed child. Your approach is going to be completely different just by changing that one word that's so powerful. So what are some common behaviourss that uh, are actually cues that our child is feeling overwhelmed or stressed that we might be able to interpret perhaps differently or more proactively before they become distressed?
Nicola: It can be all sorts of Things and I think something just to kind of remind ourselves of is that we make a lot of assumptions about our child's behavur. So and I do it myself, you know that this is my profession has been for many, many years and I still, for example, my daughter is moving into the teenage years and she a. She's a real warrior and she just thinks 10 steps ahead and, and I will make assumptions. For example, when she started high school last year she was really nervous about going to high school and she wasn't sleeping at nights. And I made the assumption that was's obviously because she was s really anxious about going to the big new school and making friends. And actually when I stopped and we spoke about it and we unpicked it, what she was really anxious about was getting on the school bus and being late for school. Interesting. So majority of time we think we know where a behaviour is coming from and therefore that's what we respond to. Actually what we are trying to do is we're trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. So if we actually stop and we have the conversation once the
00:10:00
Nicola: dust is settled because we're responding to behavioiors there are two camps. There's being reactive which is when you are in the eye of the storm. And the kind of behaviours you might see at that point is you might have a child that is screaming or doubting or the complete side of that. A child who is completely shut down, who has slammed the door, who is you out. And at those points what we tend to do is we respond immediately to the behaviour and that's kind of being reactive. And we do need to be reactive but what we do need to do at that point is we need to stop just for a few seconds before we react and we respond. Because generally our gut reaction when somebody screams at your our gut reaction is to scream back. Um, so what we need to do is we just stop, take a pause and think before we respond. That little bit's firefighting. Yes. And once we dampen um, the fire and we settle things down, that is when we do the really important work. And what we tend to think as parents is that when the going is good we kind of sit back and we think y everything'fine everything's done, let's just leave it. But uh, actually that is when the really important work needs to be done because that's when we can be proactive and when we're proactive that's when we can get in and we can actually minimise the likelihood of those behaviours happening again.
Nina: Exactly.
Nicola: Because what we can do is we can kind of have a conversation with our child. We can reflect in a non shaming way about something that was hard. And when we're reflecting we have to be really, really careful that we don't reflect on the behaviour that uh, as a golden rule.
Nina: Yes.
Nicola: We don't talk about the kicking, the screaming or biting. As soon as that is your conversation opener, you will shut the conversation down 100%. What we need to go, we need to go in there with empathy and none of this is actually quite counterintuitive. It's really tricky as parents because it's not how we were parented and the only experience that we have as being parents is how we were parented ourselves. But we have to go in with there with the validating how our child fell, you know, so it's. I could see this morning when I asked you to put on your shoes, that was really hard. You.
Nina: Yeah.
Nicola: You know, not to say this morning when I asked you to put on your shoes you threw them across the room. That's not on.
Nina: Yeah.
Nicola: We're going to get nowhere with that. So it's again, it's looking beyond the behavioior. What we are doing is we are lifting the lid on behaviour. We're lifting the lid and um, we're looking underneath and we are trying to figure out and we're trying to play detective with our child, not making assumptionsself but with our child about the stuff that is hard or tricky or the things that you didn't like but you just had, there's no choice. And it's. When we take that approach to those difficult behaviours we can move from being reactive, proactive and working with our child which also strengthens. It strengthens the relationship as well.
Nina: It does. And I like how you're saying, you know, you're dampen the fire. And this kind of approach can be used before and after. So if you see that your child had a tough time this morning putting on their shoes, then you have the conversation after that. But if you know that they're going to a party on the weekend and they're not going to want to leave, you can have the conversation beforehand based on past experiences. So you can talk about how they're going to uh, manage that in advance as well. And so meeting that need in that situation where they just want to keep playing, they don't want to leave, they're having too much fun and addressing that as well beforehand and giving them an idea of what the process is going to be so that when it happens they're expecting it and it's not quite so end of the world devastating for them, that kind of thing. Right?
Nicola: Yeah. And do you know the majority of behavur comes from unpredictability. Unpredictability is one of the biggest stressors. It's the biggest stressor for us as adults. M. But you think about our children and, and whether they are little tiny cots or whether they are teenagers, it doesn't matter. As I said, their brains are still under consttruction and the part of their brain that is still developing is the bit of the brain that helps them to reflect on what happened before and use those experiences to plan how they are going to navigate something the next time. Or the part of the brain that helps them to predict what's going to happen. So let's think about the going to the party. Know I'm going to go to a party
00:15:00
Nicola: and I am going to be having much fun and at some point that's going to come to an end. And what we're talking about there is transitions. Transitions are endings and um. ###ginnings and endings and beginnings are all about predicting, predicting how you're going to feel, predicting how you're going to manage it, predicting what you're going to do, predicting what's going to happen next. It's actually really, really complicated for our children who are not good at any of that stuff. We are as adults, we are, we are the masters of that. So what we need to do is we need to, if we can predict that something is going to be tricky rather than sitting there with our fingers crossed, the hoping feel. Okay, you know. Yep, done.
Nina: Um, that one before we do and.
Nicola: Let us face it, life gets busy and we do. But what we need to do is we need to be one step ahead. And that's what whole regulation is. We are using our brains, we are using our fully constructed brains and we are using our regulated systems to get in there before and we are coaching and that's what kind of parenting is and actually are doing a phenomenal job there because through watching and modelling and that preicting and taking them through the scenario before it happens and not telling them what they're going to do actually opened up the conversation saying that might be really tricky for you when it comes to the end. I'm wondering, you know, what we could do to make it easier. What do you think might help?
Nina: Love that.
Nicola: And that is all of a sudden you know, that uh, is open up, the brain is firing, the child is practising predicting skills or practising planning skills. They're practising all the stuff that is part of self regulation and um, that's how they develop those skills. They don't develop it by us sitting down and telling them what they've to do, they develop. I practise, practise, practise, practise in real life scenarios.
Nina: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Now you have created a self regulation model that you teach or coaching clients. I'd love it if you could step us through the core elements of your model based on, you know, what we've been talking about and anything that we might have missed so far.
Nicola: Yeah, and it's exactly what we've been talking about. Well what I do is I put a framework around it and it's a, a five step framework and it is super, super simple and we use this, we can use this as parents through every single routine that we are trying to embed with our child or you know, we talked about the things that are kind of also the things that are coming up that might be tricky. So there are five points to this and it's goal, predict, plan, do review and uh, I'll take you through each component of it and as I see.
Nina: It is super simple and lovely listener. I will put these in the show notes. So you don't need to take notes right now while you're listening, just absorb the information and you can go to the show notes if you wanted to write them down later.
Nicola: So the goal, the goal is about being very explicit because again as adults we tend to generalise. So we talk about for example the nighttime routine or the morning routine. Well actually there's a whole heap of different components within that routine. So for example the nighttime routine, we are talking about the getting the teethbrush, the're getting the shower, the'having supper, the're getting the pyjamas on, they're getting into bed. So what we need to do when we're talking about goals, we're not talking about big goals, we are talking about breaking down day to day routines into uh, tiny little components and making them very exc. Explicit. So it might be about gettingting your pyjamas on, it might be about going into the bathroom to brush your teeth, it might be about sitting down at the table to eat your supper. So it might be about switching the television off at the end of the day. So it's about breaking them down. And I talk about when we're setting those goals or thinking about those goals, thinking about the four double's we or thinking about the what is it that I would like my child to do or my child needs to do, where does it happen, when does it happen and who is around? So when I am talking to my child about the goal, I would be making it very explicitly so they can almost visualise exactly what the situation is. So that is the setting the goal. And what I'll do is I'll talk through the framework, the five components, and then I'll come back and I'll talk through some helpful scripts about, you know, what we can see to kind of work us through the framework. So that's setting the goal.
Nina: Now, can I just quickly ask, if you're.
00:20:00
Nina: You want to work on your whole bedtime routine and you've broken it down in say, like six different components, would you focus on one component for like a week or two, kind of get that one nailed, move on to the next one, rather than doing them all at the same time, just different goals?
Nicola: That, uh, is a brilliant question. Yes, I would absolutely be focusing on one thing at time. Just as a little aside, when I'm working with coaching parents, what I get them to do is I get them to write a list of what I call unsolved problems and I'll say be asic as possible and we can have a list of 20 or 30 things and then we focus on one thing at a time. And I always kind of, you know, you liken it to, you know, we're spinning all of those plates and what we need to do, if we keep trying to spin them all, we'll drop them and they'll crash to the floor. So what we need to do is take some of those plates, put them back on the shelf just for now. We're going to pick them back up again, but we're just putting them on the shelf for now. It doesn't mean to say that we're letting all the other stuff go. We're just shelfving it for now and focusing on one thing at a time until we're pretty sure that our child can do it and they can do it without our support, and then we go on to the next thing.
Nina: Thank you.
Nicola: So, yes, one thing at a time. So the next thing, once we've kind of decided this is the one thing that we are going to focus on and another side of that would be start with the small stuff.
Nina: Yep.
Nicola: If your child has an absolute meltdown at the end of the day when it's time to switch the television off. That's not your starting point. O because what we need to do as parents, we need to become comfortable with using the framework in the scripts. And um, our children need to become familiar with us parenting in this way. So we start with the stuff that we think we've got a good chance of success at because we want to get success for us as well so that we feel, yay, we've done it, we've nailed it as well as our children. You know, we exactly, we want to get those little wins. It's about getting the little wins. So the first thing is about the goal. The second thing is about the predict. And we mentioned that a little bit earlier, our children live very much in the present and the here and the now as adults, as parents, we get completely stressed because we are not mindful in living in the present. We are reflecting on all the things that we should have done or should have said and constantly thinking about all the things that we need to do and predicting we need to support our child to do that. Because as I said, that skill, that capability is underdeveloped within our children. They dont t learn or, uh, have the full capabilities of self regulation until theyre re into their mid-20s, you know, so really they really are apprentices, they are novices at this. So we need to help them to predict. We need to help them to predict the stuff that might be hard or tricky or stressful or scary or the things that they don't like, but there's no choice. And we would be using that language, you know, I think this might be trickier or it might be hard or do you know what, I know that you don't like doing this, but there's just no choice. But, uh, we are predicting that before that stress response button has been hit and our child in the throes of stress. So that's to predict. The next part is plan. And this is another important part of self regulation, the ability to plan. To say, right, okay, I need to do this, know it's going to be hard. So what are all the things I need to do in order to reach that goal? So it's about breaking it down. And again, one of the big mistakes that we make and I do as well as parents is we are fixers. And um, we do it for our child. So we say, I know it, it can be really tricky when you're getting your clothes on to get ready for school in the morning. So this is what we're going to do and we make the plan. But do you know what if all we do is make the plan we never give our child the opportunity to practise doing the planning of it. And planning is so important to be able to regulate your stress responses. So it's about saying to them okay what might help? What could we do? What do you think you need? How will I know you need help? What are we going to do first and then what are we going to do? So it's very collaborative, it's about engaging them in the process and you know you've had a say in the plan. You are more likely to carry out the plan. Yes Col to do it it gives so many opportunities for opposition or for years just to switch off.
Nina: You got a finger in the game, don't you?
Nicola: Absolutely. You know you are invested. It was your plan in the first place.
Nina: You're going to want it to work 100%.
Nicola: So that's the third part, the next part is the do part. And again this is a bit, you know we're great at talking with our children what greated kind of making those plans and then we set them off. But what we've got to remember
00:25:00
Nicola: is that our child because you know their little brains are still kind of developing is that they get really easily distracted or they get really easily overwhelmed by things and they forget what it was or we're going to do in the first place. So we need to, this is where we co regulate we need to support them through the doing. So we need to be there just to kind of, you know, just to check in, just to help keep them on track. Just to kind of say what's your plan again was you said that you were going to do or what's your job? So it's about kind of just keeping them on track or if we are not there to support through the planets thinking okay, what physical supports do they need? Do you need a little visual reminder if our children child's a little bit older. For example my daughter, she's got a mobile phone so it might be I'll send a little message or she'll take a little screenshot of something and carry it with her. My son and as you see he's autistic, he's much younger so it might be that he'll have a little picture in his pocket or he'll take something with him, a little kind of object that will remind him or I'll speak to maybe if it's something at school or something I'll speak to the person who's Supporting this is a plan that we made today. So you know, could you help support him through that when I'm not there? So that is the doing bit because the children really need help with the doing ensure that they achieve the goal and then the final part is the review. And again this is the bet that we tend especially if it's gone well we kind of think all right let's move on to the next thing but we need to help our child join the dots.
Nina: Yep.
Nicola: So it's going back and saying hee well don't work. No, that went really well. I'm wondering what worked for you today or h that did goes so well. I'm wondering maybe next time we need a different plan. M so it's almost like a cycle. It's not linear, it doesn't go on a scale, it's on a cycle and you can hop on that go predict plan, do review at any point. But uh, if you are using that throughout your day to day routines, if you're thinking about things that are coming up or something that's just happened, hasn't gone so well and you begin to use that and become familiar with it then it is an absolute gamee changeanger. And uh, not only are you minimising what would be quickicky or concerning behavurs but you are also strengthening a corle capability of self regulation is going to serve your child throughout childhoodhood uh, and beyond. And I spoke about kind of thinking about script you know and um, how we can language because self regulation is actually self taught.
Nina: Yes.
Nicola: It's a little voice in our head that we all have. If we're having to deal with something that's really tricky, you know, we'll be saying okay Ro what is it that I need to do? What you know, for example, you know, if I'm heading off to work in the morning and I get stuck in a traffic jam the next day I'll be saying okay, tomorrow what am I going to do because I've been late for work do okay, am I going to get up earlier or am I going to take a different route? That's a self regulating. We are doing it every minute of every day but we're only aware that we're doing it when something hard funs. Um so we need to kind of think about the predictable language that we use with our child when we're setting those goals. It's about being really solution focused on validating those feelings. It's about going in and saying after school today I noticed that when you were getting in the car with your little brother, you were finding it really tricky to sit on your side of the car seat considering up rather than when you got into school. You wouldn't, you know, you got any. You wouldn't stop hooking and prodding your brother. I watching him up.
Nina: It's as if you were in the car with me this morning. Nicola.
Nicola: It's acommon1 I guess I live and I do that on a day to day basis. Dina I know where you're coming from but you know, so it's about now where we've set the goal. We've done the 4W so we've said what, where, when and who. We're doing it in a WhatsApp we were re presenting ourselves with the helper as a coach.
Nina: WhatsApp.
Nicola: Um and will we will have made assumptions about why our children weren't getting on in the back of the car. We're having a fight in the back of the car.
Nina: Exactly.
Nicola: Chile maybe it's something completely different that we didn't something that happened before our child got on the car. Or they might say well I just had a really big fight with my friend just as we were leaving school and I was really upset. Ah, okay.
Nina: So it's not about.
Nicola: It's about the fight they have. Right. OK Clay and then we're then into the uh. Ah, now that must have been really hard for you because it's really tough. We have a fight so we're doing the predict bit. Okay. And like we're there onto the plan. Um, I'm wondering when, when you go back into school tomorrow, how are you you going to manage that? What would help? How are you going to make friends again? And
00:30:00
Nicola: then so you're all of a sudden you're not focused on on the fight in the car. But the issue has actually been that the fight was the friends. So it's about we could have focused on the fixing the fight in the car actually wasn't about the fight in the car. So it's about the language that we use. It's about validating. That was really hard for you. That was really tricky. Now even if we think that something isn't trickier, it wasn't a big deal if it was a big deal to our child. We need to acknowledge that.
Nina: O Exactly.
Nicola: Because it's all too easy. You know when my daughter'saying to me oh, I'm really worried about going into school today because I've got a test in English and for me to say you good to have you'd t to be worried? You're really good at English.
Nina: Who cares about tests?
Nicola: Yeah, exactly. You know, we have just completely def ###le a big worry. So it's about saying, oh, I can see how that would be really hard. You know, I can see that you're really worried. So all of a sudden we're back and they preect, okay, how can I help? How can we make this a little bit easier for you? How can we reduce some of this stress? What can we do? What's going to make it easier? So all of a sudden we're into that planning again. We're validating those feelings. We're predicting when we're helping to plan and we're supporting through the process as opposed to up the wall and saying, that's nothing to worry about. That's not a big deal. Which is what we do a lot as parents. If you think about us as adults, if we were to get, if we were to turn around to our partner and say, yeah, I'm, um, really worried about going into work today and they were to turn and say, you've got nothing to worry about.
Nina: Yeah.
Nicola: Yes, and quite rightly so. But we do it with our children all the time.
Nina: We do without kids.
Nicola: So it's about using that language. Is helpful. Is short as well. It's about minimizising the language. And if it's helpful, Nina, I can provide for your show notes some scripted language that would go with the them so that you go into the show notes as, as well.
Nina: Oh, that would be amazing. Yeah, we'll definitely put them in the show notes.
Nicola: Thank you.
Nina: Treat for everyone. Now we're coming to the end of our chat today. Nicola and I ask every guest that I have if they could offer one small shift that a parent can try this week that will have a big impact. What would it be?
Nicola: I would say we've talked today all about our children, but, uh, the most important thing is us. And a child or our child is only as well regulated as we are at any given time. So my little takeaway would be that, uh, before we begin to focus on our child and how regulated they are, ah, at any given time when we're dealing with a situation, I want us to stop and lookot at ourselves and, um, just say, right, okay. How well regulated are we? Because if our inner system is in chaos and turmoil and we are overwhelmed, we actually don't physically have the capability to support our child's regulation. So we always need to look at ourselves first. So before we Dive in all guns blazing. We need to stop and see. Right. How am I presenting? Because when our child is dregulated and overwhelmed, they are picking up on all of our cues. They've got their detectors out. So our tone of voice, our body language, our facial expression. So we need to be very intentional and how we go into the situation. Okay, how, uh, am I sounding? How is my voice tone? How are my gestures? What words am I going to say? So we almost need to rehearse it before we go into the situation so that we don't make things worse.
Nina: You're speaking to my heart, Nicola. We are so on the same page. I love it.
Nicola: O fantastic. It's been an absolute pleasure and you're an absolute pleasure. Thank you.
Nina: So where can listeners find out about your work?
Nicola: My website is regulatedchild.co.uk and you'll get all the information on there, whether you're looking for parent coaching or online courses. And also you'll find me on social media, on Facebook and LinkedIn at, uh, Regulatedild.
Nina: It's been so nice talking to today, Nicola. Thank you so much for joining us and listeners. I hope you take some lessons from today and enjoy your calm parenting path.
Nicola: Thanks, Sinaa. Thank you so much.
Nina: Thanks for listening to your calm parenting path. I am so glad you're here and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au More tips and insights or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next
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Nina: time on your calm parenting path.
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