Ep12. Are You Really Listening? Part 1: Why Kids Stop Talking

Alternatively, listen on Spotify or Apple.

This is the first of a two-part series exploring why listening is so hard in parenting - and what often gets in the way.

We unpack why kids stop talking, by looking at the six most common roadblocks to connection and how they show up in everyday parenting moments.

Once you start noticing these sneaky patterns, you’ll begin to shift how you show up for your child’s emotions.

You’ll Learn

• Why “listening” isn’t as easy as it sounds

• The 6 common roadblocks that shut down communication

• How kids experience these moments (and what they feel)

• How to gently begin shifting the pattern.

Why This Episode Matters

When our kids bring us their big emotions, our instinct is often to advise, correct, or fix. But these habits, while well-intentioned, can disconnect us from the very children we’re trying to support. Noticing these patterns is the first step to creating a safe space for our kids to feel seen and heard.

Take Home Action

This week, just notice. Pay attention to the moments where roadblocks - like advising, dismissing, or blaming - show up in your parenting. Observe, don’t judge. That awareness is everything.

To support you with this, download the free Roadblocks Tracking Sheet - a gentle guide to help you reflect as you go. Grab it at the link below.

Take the Next Step

Curious about how mindful parenting or Parent Effectiveness Training could help in your home?

Book a free 15-minute discovery call to chat with me about your parenting challenges and see whether 1:1 support might be the right fit for you.

No pressure - just a chance to connect, reflect, and explore the next step together.

Links and Resources Mentioned

• Download the Roadblocks to Listening Tracking Sheet – FREE

• Episode 13: Are You Really Listening to Your Child? (Part 2) (coming next week)

• Book an SOS Parenting Support Call

• Learn more about Parent Effectiveness Training (PET)

Let’s Connect

• Follow Nina on Instagram

• Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

• Email: nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

About the Host

Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach, podcast host, and mum of three energetic boys. She’s the founder of Mindful Parenting Lifestyle, where she helps overwhelmed parents move from reactive and stressed to calm, connected, and confident.

Drawing on principles of mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and Parent Effectiveness Training, Nina supports parents in building deeper relationships with their children - without striving for perfection.

Through her coaching, workshops, digital resources, and now this podcast, Nina brings a refreshing blend of compassion, practical tools, and real-life honesty to the parenting space. She believes that small shifts make a big impact - and that every parent deserves support as they navigate the messy, beautiful work of raising emotionally secure kids.

Transcript

Note - This transcript has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

You're listening to Your Calm Parenting Path. I’m your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident, and connected with your kids.

This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress, and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact—and you can build the parenting life you’ve always wanted.

If you want to see what I’m up to, follow me on Instagram at [your handle]. And don’t forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode.

Now, let’s get started!

Welcome back to Your Calm Parenting Path. I’m so glad you’re here.

If you’ve been listening along, you’ll know we’ve been exploring what it means to parent with more connection, more patience, and more calm—even in those messy, everyday moments.

We’ve talked about why connection is so important for kids, why emotional regulation can be so hard, and how a simple pause can shift everything.

And today, we’re digging into a really important piece of the puzzle—listening. Not just hearing the words, but really listening. And let’s be honest, listening sounds simple, but in practice, it can feel so hard.

So, in this episode, the first of a two part series, I want to talk about why that is. What gets in the way of listening? Why do we sometimes struggle to be present, to hold space, to hear our kids when they’re trying to tell us something important?

We’ll unpack the barriers—those sneaky habits that slip in and block true connection. And next week, we’ll explore how to do it differently—how to listen in a way that helps our kids feel safe, seen, and understood.

So, Let’s start by imagining a common scenario.

It’s the end of the day. Your child walks through the door, throws their bag on the floor, and says, “No one wanted to play with me today.” 

You can tell they’re upset—maybe they’re holding back tears, maybe their shoulders are slumped, or they’ve gone really quiet. It’s a moment where they’re offering you a little window into their world, hoping you’ll see them, hear them, and understand.

But so often, without meaning to, we put up roadblocks that stop that connection.

The first one is Ordering. Your child says, “No one wanted to play with me,” and you say, “Don’t talk like that,” or “Don’t say that, just go over and make friends.” It’s not that we don’t care—it’s that we’re juggling so much, and we just want to keep the day moving.

But what your child feels in that moment is, “My feelings don’t matter. I need to push them down and keep going.” And they might stop coming to you with their big feelings, because they learn that there’s no space for them here.

Then there’s Threatening. Your child says, “No one wanted to play with me today,” and we respond with, “Well, if you keep being bossy, no one will ever want to play with you,” 

We think we’re motivating them, but what they feel is fear. Fear that their feelings aren’t okay. Fear that there is something wrong with THEM.

Fear that they need to fix themselves before they’re allowed to feel sad. It’s a scary, lonely place for a child to be.

Then we have Advising. Your child shares, “No one played with me today,” and we jump in with, “Well, why don’t you ask someone else tomorrow?” or “Take a ball to school and start a game.”

We do this because we care—we want to help, we hate seeing our kids so sad and upset, and deep down, we just want to make the problem go away.

But here’s the thing—when we step in like this, we’re actually taking the power away from our child. We’re saying, “I’ll solve this for you because you can’t figure it out yourself.” And what they feel is, “This isn’t safe to talk about. Mum just wants to fix it. She doesn’t really want to hear about how I’m feeling.” 

They start to feel like their feelings are a problem to be solved, instead of something that’s valid and worth holding space for. And they miss the chance to learn how to work through their feelings and figure things out for themselves.

Ok, Now let’s switch to another common moment.

It’s later in the day, and the kids are arguing over a toy. One’s yelling, “It’s mine!” and the other’s shouting back, “No, I had it first!” You can feel the tension rising—you’re trying to cook dinner, you’ve had a long day, and you just want the noise to stop. All of a sudden your oldest child comes running and shouting, ‘muuuuuum he won’t give me my toy back!”

This is when Blaming can slip in. It often comes out when we’re tired, stressed, or just desperate for the noise to stop. The kids are arguing over a toy, and we snap: “You never share your toys—why are you so selfish?” Or maybe we say, “You’re always starting fights. Why can’t you just be nice to your brother?”

In that moment, it might feel like we’re telling the truth. We might think, “Well, they are being selfish,” or “They are always fighting.” But here’s the thing—what our child hears isn’t, “You made a bad choice today,” it’s, “You are bad. You’re the problem.”

And that’s when the shame seeps in. They think, “There’s something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. I’m the difficult one.” And when kids feel shame, they do one of two things—they shut down, go quiet, and withdraw into themselves, or they lash out even more, because they feel misunderstood and unseen. Either way, it makes the situation harder, not easier.

Now, as I’m talking through these roadblocks, you might be thinking, “Oh wow, I do that… I’ve done that too.” And I want you to know—you’re not alone. We all fall into these habits sometimes.

That’s why I’ve created a little freebie to go with this episode—a simple Roadblocks Tracking Sheet. It lists each of the roadblocks we’ve talked about—like Advising, Blaming, and Dismissing—with space for you to jot down when you notice them showing up. It’s not about judgement; it’s just a way to gently start noticing your patterns, so you can begin to shift them over time.

You can download it for free in the show notes to grab your copy. It’s a small tool, but it can make a big difference in your awareness.

Name-Calling is another one that sneaks in when we’re tired, overwhelmed, or just running out of patience. The kids are fighting over a toy, emotions are high, and we snap: “Stop being such a baby,” or “You’re acting like a little brat.” Sometimes it’s more subtle, like saying, “Only babies cry,” or “Come on, don’t be a sook.” These words slip out because we’re frustrated, or because we grew up hearing the same phrases ourselves.

But what our child feels in that moment is small. They feel humiliated, shamed, and like their emotions make them weak, or wrong, or even unlovable. They might stop sharing their feelings altogether because they think, “If I show my sadness or fear, I’ll be called a baby or a sook.” Or they might start believing that big emotions—especially tears—are something to hide.

And this is so important—when we tell our kids, even indirectly, that only babies or girls cry, we’re teaching them that emotions have to be stuffed down, ignored, or hidden away. And that’s the last thing we want. Because when feelings are stuffed down, they don’t go away—they just bubble under the surface until they explode.

And then there’s Dismissing. Your child comes in, shouting, “Muuuumm, he won’t give me my toy back!” And we, feeling overwhelmed, might say, “Oh, here we go again—just ignore him.” Or, “You two are always fighting—figure it out yourselves.” Or maybe it sounds like, “Oh, stop being so dramatic—it’s just a toy – get over it.”

Sometimes, it’s more subtle—we go quiet, we focus on cooking dinner, or we pretend we don’t hear them, hoping the storm will pass on its own.

But what our kids feel in that moment is dismissed. They feel like, “Mum doesn’t care. My feelings aren’t important. I’m on my own in this. If I bring her my problems, she’ll just brush them off, so I’d better stop bothering her.”

And that’s a really lonely place to be. When their big emotions aren’t seen, or when we brush them off as silly, they don’t learn how to work through them. They just learn to push those feelings down—or they might shout louder, hoping someone will finally notice.

And just to show that this isn’t just about kids, let’s look at an adult example. Imagine you tell your partner, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed at work,” and they respond with, “Well, you should have spoken up in the meeting,” or “You just need to manage your time better.” 

Can you pick which roadblock your partner has used?

Yep - that’s the classic Advising and Giving Solutions again—and it leaves you feeling dismissed, misunderstood, and unsupported.

So let’s just take a moment to quickly recap those roadblocks we’ve talked about today.

There’s Ordering—when we give instructions instead of hearing the feeling.There’s Threatening—when we try to control with consequences.There’s Advising—when we jump in with fixes instead of sitting with their feelings.There’s Blaming—when we make it about their character instead of the moment.There’s Ridiculing—when we label them or make fun of their emotions.And there’s Dismissing—when we brush off their feelings or pretend we don’t hear them at all.

When we use these roadblocks—often without even realising it—we’re cutting off the flow of communication. We’re sending the message, “Your feelings aren’t safe here. I’m not really open to hearing what’s going on for you.”

And when kids sense that, they stop talking. They stop sharing. They might push their feelings down, or they might get louder and more dramatic in the hope that we’ll finally notice. But either way, it creates a disconnect.

We miss the chance to understand what’s really going on for them, and they miss the chance to feel heard, supported, and valued.

That’s why it’s so important to start noticing these patterns. Because when we see them, we can start to change them.

So here’s your take home action, your small shift for this week. I want you to simply notice. Notice when these patterns show up—whether it’s Ordering and Directing, Warning and Threatening, Advising and Giving Solutions, Judging, Criticising, and Blaming, Name-Calling and Ridiculing, or Diverting, Sarcasm, or Withdrawal.

Notice what happens in those moments. Notice how your child seems to feel—do they get quieter? Do they push back harder? Do they shut down?

You don’t have to change anything yet. Just notice. That’s the first step.

Don’t forget that to help you with this, I’ve created a simple Roadblocks Tracking Sheet. It has each of the roadblocks we’ve talked about today, with space for you to jot down when you notice them happening. It’s a gentle way to build your awareness and start spotting your patterns.

You can download it for free from the show notes.

And if you feel like sharing what you’re noticing, I’d love to hear from you.

Send me a message on Instagram, tag me in your stories, or reach out for a chat.

Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with an important reminder—please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve realised you’ve been using some of these roadblocks. We all have. I’ve done it. We’re human, and we bring to parenting what we know.

If you’ve been giving advice when your child needed empathy, or you’ve dismissed their feelings because you were tired and overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time.

And now that you have this new awareness, you can start to make gentle shifts. Noticing is the first step. That’s it. You don’t need to fix everything overnight. You’re learning, you’re growing—and that’s what matters most.

You’re doing an incredible job, even when it feels messy. I’m so glad you’re here, and I can’t wait to keep walking alongside you on this parenting journey.

And if you’re feeling like you need a bit more support, remember, you can book an SOS Parenting Support Call with me—sometimes it just helps to have someone walk alongside you while you figure it all out.

Next week, we’ll talk about what to do instead. I’ll share simple, practical listening skills that can help you connect with your kids in those tricky moments.

Until then, take care of yourself, and remember—you are doing the best you can. And that is enough.

Thanks for listening to Your Calm Parenting Path! I’m so glad you’re here, and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey.

If you’d like to dive deeper, sign up for my mailing list at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au for more tips and insights, or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don’t forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode.

I look forward to speaking with you next time on Your Calm Parenting Path.