Ep23. What is self compassion, really?
- Nina Visic
- Sep 24
- 9 min read
Self-compassion is often misunderstood - but in parenting, it’s one of the most powerful tools you can build. In this episode, we’ll explore what self-compassion really means, how it helps you shift from shame to growth, and why it’s not about letting yourself off the hook.
Through honest reflections and real-life examples, you’ll learn how to bring mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness into your day-to-day life as a parent.
Whether you’ve had a tough week, yelled more than you wanted to, or just need a reset - this episode is your invitation to pause, reflect, and show up for yourself with more care.
You’ll Learn
What self-compassion in parenting is - and what it’s not
The difference between guilt and shame, and why that distinction matters
How self-compassion can help parents stop “shooting the second arrow”
Kristin Neff’s three principles of self-compassion and how they apply to real-life parenting
Journal prompts and examples for daily reflection and emotional growth
Why This Episode Matters
It’s easy to be hard on yourself as a parent. But when your inner voice is full of shame and blame, change becomes even harder.
Self-compassion gives you another way forward - it allows you to parent yourself with the same kindness you want to give your kids.
This episode will help you replace that inner critic with a more caring voice - and show you how to turn everyday parenting moments into chances for growth and healing.
Take Home Action
This week, try a simple self-compassion check-in using pen and paper. Do it either first thing in the morning or just before bed - whenever you can carve out five quiet minutes.
Be Mindful – What am I feeling right now? Be honest. There’s no right or wrong.
You might write:
“I feel exhausted and a little short-tempered.” “I’m still holding onto guilt from yelling this afternoon.”
Remember Common Humanity – I’m not alone in this.
Remind yourself that other parents feel this too.
You could write:
“Lots of parents lose their cool. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum—it means I’m human.” “Everyone finds the dinner-bath-bed stretch overwhelming sometimes.”
Offer Kindness – What do I need to hear right now?
Speak gently to yourself
For example:
“I’m doing my best. Tomorrow is a new day.”
“I showed up, even though it was hard. That matters.”
You don’t need to write a full page - just a few lines are enough. What matters is taking that moment to be with yourself in truth, care, and understanding.
And if you’d like a little accountability, feel free to share a photo of your notebook or a line from your check-in with me on Instagram (link below). I’d love to hear how it’s going.
Take the Next Step
If this episode brought something up for you - or if you're navigating a parenting moment that feels heavy - book a free 20-minute Clarity Chat with Nina.
You’ll talk through what’s going on, get clear on what’s really beneath the surface, and walk away with one or two mindful strategies to try right away.
Links and Resources
Check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s website
Learn more with Dr Kristin Neff's books (affiliate links):
Book your free Clarity Chat
Let’s Connect
Want more support? Follow Nina on Instagram, or sign up for tips and updates at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au.
Have a question or parenting challenge you'd like addressed on the podcast? Send a DM or an email.
Follow Nina on Instagram
Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au
About the Host
Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach and founder of Mindful Parenting Lifestyle. She helps parents like you move from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident, and connected using simple, powerful mindfulness-based tools.
After years of struggling with yelling, guilt, and that never-good-enough feeling, Nina discovered that true change began when she started talking to herself with the same compassion she wanted to give her kids. Now she shares those same practices with you - so you can parent from a place of calm, clarity, and courage.
Through her coaching, workshops, and podcast, Nina shows that you don’t have to be perfect to be present. You just have to start - with one kind breath, one pause, one new thought at a time.
Transcript
This transcript has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.
You're listening to Your Calm Parenting Path. I’m your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident, and connected with your kids.
This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress, and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact—and you can build the parenting life you’ve always wanted.
If you want to see what I’m up to, follow me on Instagram at [your handle]. And don’t forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode.
Now, let’s get started.
Hi, and welcome back to Your Calm Parenting Path.
Today, we’re talking about something that touches so many of our everyday moments as parents—self-compassion. We’ll explore how guilt and shame show up in our parenting, how they’re different, and how self-compassion can help us shift from self-criticism to growth. I’ll also walk you through the three key elements of self-compassion and how to spot them—or strengthen them—in your day-to-day life.
I hope today’s episode feels like a warm cuppa with a friend. One that reminds you you’re not alone, you’re not failing, and you’re already doing something incredible—just by showing up and being here.
Let’s begin by asking the question - WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION? Self-compassion means offering ourselves the same kindness, understanding, and support we’d offer to a friend—especially in moments of difficulty, failure, or pain.
But many of us—especially as parents—tend to do the opposite. When we’re having a hard moment, we double down on ourselves. We think self-criticism will keep us accountable or push us to do better. But actually, it tends to leave us feeling more defeated, more reactive, and more disconnected from our kids.
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence or letting ourselves off the hook. It’s about holding ourselves with care and honesty—acknowledging the struggle, recognising our shared humanity, and choosing to be kind, even when we’re hurting.
Before we explore how to build self-compassion, let’s talk about two feelings that can easily trip us up as parents: guilt and shame.
—two feelings we all experience, but which land very differently in the body and mind
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” It focuses on behaviour. It’s uncomfortable, but it can guide us to make amends and do better next time.
Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.” It focuses on who we are. It doesn’t lead to growth—it leads to hiding, silence, and self-loathing.
In parenting, shame might sound like:
“I yelled again. I’m a terrible mum. My kids are going to grow up messed up because of me.”
Guilt might sound more like:
“I don’t feel good about how I handled that. I was overwhelmed. I want to try a different approach next time.”
When we let guilt guide us, and meet it with self-compassion, we grow. When we let shame take over, we stay stuck.
Which brings me to a story I come back to often.
In one of his teachings, the Buddha shared a powerful metaphor. He said that when we experience pain in life, it’s like being shot with an arrow. That’s the first arrow—life’s inevitable discomfort. It might be a difficult moment with your child, a sleepless night, a meltdown in the supermarket.
But often, instead of tending to that pain, we shoot ourselves with a second arrow. That second arrow is the story we tell about the pain—the blame, the judgement, the shame.
Your child throws a tantrum in public. That’s the first arrow.
The second arrow is the voice that says: “Everyone’s staring. I’m a terrible mum. I can’t handle this.”
The truth is—pain is part of parenting. Struggle is part of the job. But suffering? That’s often layered on by how we treat ourselves in those hard moments.
We don’t have to shoot the second arrow.
We’re already hurting. We’re already stretched. The second arrow only deepens the wound. And that’s where self-compassion becomes such a powerful practice. It reminds us that pain is part of life—but self-judgement doesn’t have to be.
Self-compassion offers us a different way forward.
It gives us space to acknowledge the first arrow—to say, “This hurts,”—without adding more pain on top. And it gives us the tools to move through that moment with more gentleness, more clarity, and more possibility for growth.
So how do we do that? How do we move from inner criticism to care?
That’s where Kristin Neff’s three principles of self-compassion come in. Let’s walk through each one and see how they show up—especially in those tricky parenting moments.
Kristin Neff defines self-compassion with three elements: Mindfulness, Common Humanity, and Self-Kindness. Let’s take a deeper look at each, with both sides—what the critical voice says, and how the compassionate voice responds.
🌿 1. Mindfulness: Recognising Our Pain Without Exaggeration or Denial
Without mindfulness: We either suppress our feelings—“It’s fine, I’m fine, they’re just kids”—or we catastrophise—“This always happens, I’m the worst, I can’t do this.”
With mindfulness: We name what’s happening, simply and clearly.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
“This is a really hard moment.”
Mindfulness gives us a pause. And in parenting, a pause is gold. It’s the difference between reacting and responding.
💡 Parenting example:
You’re trying to get out the door. One child can’t find their shoes. Another is whining about breakfast. You’re about to lose it. Mindfulness is the moment you feel that rising heat and say, “Okay. This is my edge. I need to breathe.”
That’s a self-compassionate pause.
🫶 2. Common Humanity: I’m Not Alone in This
Without it: We isolate ourselves—“No one else struggles like this. Everyone else seems to be managing.” We feel broken or uniquely flawed.
With it: We remember that parenting is messy for everyone. Struggle is not failure. It’s part of being human.
“Other mums have yelled at bedtime.”
“Lots of parents feel touched out, overstimulated, and stretched too thin.”
💡 Parenting example:
You’re at the shops and your toddler lies down screaming in aisle 5. Everyone stares. That sinking feeling hits. Shame whispers: “They’re judging me. I’m a terrible mum.”
Common humanity says: “This happens to every parent at some point. It’s hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”
This perspective helps us move from shame to resilience.
💗 3. Self-Kindness: Speaking to Ourselves with Warmth
Without it: Our inner voice becomes a harsh critic—“Why can’t you keep your cool? You’re ruining them. You’re failing.”
With it: We speak to ourselves like a friend—“That was hard. You were trying. You care so much.”
Self-kindness is the bridge between guilt and growth. It’s what helps us get up and try again.
💡 Parenting example:
You put the kids to bed and immediately start replaying the day. You think of the rushed breakfast, the yelling over shoes, the snapped “not now”s.
The critical voice says: “You didn’t connect at all. They’re going to remember this forever.”
The kind voice says: “You were tired. You tried. You showed up. Tomorrow is a new chance.”
This doesn’t mean we avoid accountability. It means we offer ourselves the conditions needed for growth.
This week, I want to invite you to practise self-compassion proactively—with pen and paper.
Before you get into bed at night, or first thing in the morning—whichever suits you best—take five quiet minutes to sit down with a notebook and check in with yourself. Writing it down helps bring these moments to life in the real world, so they’re easier to access in challenging moments.
💬 Your Self-Compassion Check-In Journal Prompt:
Be Mindful – What am I feeling right now? Be honest. There’s no right or wrong. You might write:
“I feel exhausted and a little short-tempered.” “I’m still holding onto guilt from yelling this afternoon.”
Remember Common Humanity – I’m not alone in this. Remind yourself that other parents feel this too. You could write:
“Lots of parents lose their cool. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum—it means I’m human.” “Everyone finds the dinner-bath-bed stretch overwhelming sometimes.”
Offer Kindness – What do I need to hear right now? Speak gently to yourself:
“I’m doing my best. Tomorrow is a new day.” “I showed up, even though it was hard. That matters.”
You don’t need to write a full page—just a few lines is enough. What matters is taking that moment to be with yourself in truth, care, and understanding.
And if you’d like a little accountability, feel free to share a photo of your notebook or a line from your check-in with me on Instagram @mindfulparentinglifestyle. I’d love to hear how it’s going.
Self-compassion isn’t about avoiding the hard stuff. It’s about learning to move through it with more care. Less blame. More grace.
It’s the pause before the spiral. The hand on your heart. The deep breath that says: “This moment is tough—and I’m still worthy of kindness.”
And if this episode brought something up that you’d like to explore further, or if you’re feeling like you need a little clarity around a tricky moment in your parenting, I offer free 20-minute Clarity Chats where we can talk about one specific parenting challenge you’re facing. I’ll listen closely, help you get clear on what’s really going on beneath the surface, and offer one or two mindful strategies to try right away. It’s a chance to talk things through with me, no pressure, just support.
You’re not alone. You’re not failing. You’re learning. And that’s the path.
Thanks for listening to Your Calm Parenting Path! I’m so glad you’re here, and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey.
If you’d like to dive deeper, sign up for my mailing list at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au for more tips and insights, or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don’t forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode.
I look forward to speaking with you next time on Your Calm Parenting Path.
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