Ep34. A Real Mum’s Story: Boundaries That Work, with Tess Bonde
- Nina Visic
- 3 days ago
- 18 min read
In this special episode, Nina chats with Tess, a mum-of-two and long-time listener, who shares how she used the calm boundary script from Episode 8 in a moment when her daughter was yelling at her.
It’s a real story about emotional boundaries, staying steady under pressure, and what happens when you choose connection over control - even when it’s hard.
You’ll Learn:
How to use calm boundaries when kids are rude, yelling or dishonest
The “I won’t let you X, but you can Y” structure in action
Why pausing (see Episode 3) can shift the whole energy in your home
How calm boundaries can open space for repair, respect, and deeper understanding
Why This Episode Matters
Tess’s story reminds us that calm boundaries do work - even when kids push hard. This isn’t a polished expert take - it’s one mum showing up with love, courage, and the skills she’s learned along the way.
It’s a raw and real example of parenting under pressure - and a beautiful reminder that connection often comes after a boundary is held kindly but firmly.
One Small Shift
Next time your child is rude, yelling, or being dishonest, try:
“I won’t let you speak to me that way. I’m happy to talk when we’re both calm.”
Then pause. Breathe. Hold the boundary with calm confidence — and trust that connection often follows.
And just as important: be kind to yourself.
As Tess shared, speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend or acquaintance. Progress doesn’t come from perfection — it comes from compassion and practice.
Take the Next Step
If emotional blow‑ups, backchat, or lying are becoming frequent in your home - and you want support turning them into moments of calmness and repair - book a free 20‑minute clarity call. I’ll help you identify what’s really going on and give you 1–2 simple, effective tools to try straight away.
Links and Resources
Recommended episodes of Your Calm Parenting Path
Book a free 20-minute Clarity Call here.
Let’s Connect
Follow Nina on Instagram
Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au
About the Hosts
Nina Visic
Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach, podcast host, and mum of three based in WA. She supports parents to move from yelling and reactivity to calm, confident connection. Her work blends practical tools with deep compassion — because parenting isn’t about perfection, it’s about presence.
In this episode, Nina chats with Tess - a long-time listener and past client - who brings the boundary tools to life in the middle of a real parenting moment. It’s raw, real, and a powerful reminder that calm parenting is possible, even when emotions are big.
Transcript
This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.
Nina: You're listening to your Calm Parenting Path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram mindfulparentinglifestyle and don't forget to hit follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.
Nina: Hi, lovely listeners and welcome back to your Calm Parenting Path. Today's episode is something a little bit different. I recently got a message from a past client and a dear friend of mine, Tess Bond. She had listened to episode eight, the one where we explored how to set clear and kind boundaries with our kids, especially in those tough moments when emotions are high and behaviour gets tricky. In that episode, I talked about things like hitting, drawing on walls or throwing Lego, and how we can stay calm while holding the line. Tess reached out with a brilliant question. How do I use those same tools when the boundary being crossed isn't physical but, uh, emotional? Like when my daughter is being rude or speaking disrespectfully. And then she shared how she actually used those skills in a really powerful way. So I invited her on the show to share that storey with you. But before we dive into our chat, I wanted to replay a short clip from episode eight to give you a little bit of context.
Nina: So let's start with a quick reframe. Boundaries are not mean. In fact, they're the opposite. Clear boundaries make our kids feel safe. They let our kids know that we're the grown ups, that we've got them, that we can handle their big feelings and they don't need to be in charge. Kids thrive when they know what's expected. And they test those limits not to upset us, but to make sure those limits are real and loving and consistent. This is their way of saying, can I trust you to hold me through this? Now, let's bust a myth. Limits are not punishments. Punishments say you're bad. Now I'm going to make you pay limits say this behaviour isn't okay, and I'm, um, here to guide you through it. See the difference? One is about control. The other is about connection. And that's what we're aiming for. So how do we hold a limit without yelling, without giving in and without spiralling into Guilt. Here's the short answer. We be calm. We be clear. We be kind. It starts with us. Our tone, our body language, our confidence. The more regulated we are, the more secure our kids feel and the less likely they are to escalate. Instead of shouting, threatening or giving in out of exhaustion, we want to anchor ourselves. Remember the pause from episode three and speak with clarity and warmth. You don't need to be harsh to be firm. You don't need to yell to be heard. And you don't need to feel guilty for holding a limit that keeps you and your child or someone else safe. So let's zoom out now. Every one of those examples follows a simple structure. I won't let you X which is the unsafe or unacceptable behaviour, but you can Y which is the safe, acceptable behaviour. That one phrase can transform how you parent in tough moments. It keeps the message clear, the connection strong and your child's dignity intact. I won't let you X, but you can Y.
Nina: Okay, let's jump into our conversation. Hi Tess. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Tess: Thanks so much for having me, Naina.
Nina: Now I know that you're juggling a lot, two beautiful kids, your business and everything that comes in between. So to get us started, would you mind telling us a little bit about your family and your parenting journey so far?
Tess: Yes. So, as you mentioned, I've got two amazing daughters, almost 10 and almost 14. So I'm right in the peak of those delightful, challenging teenage years, um, which is a whole different set of challenges to what I ever experienced when they were younger, which I know your kids
00:05:00
Tess: are in that much younger age bracket, so, um, I've been a nurse for almost 20 years, uh, about the amount of time I've known you for.
Nina: Yeah.
Tess: And I'm, um, a specialty stomal therapy nurse as well, so. And I've been doing that for almost 11 years, which is where my consulting comes into my small business.
Nina: Yes. Fantastic. Now, when you called me up to talk about this episode, episode eight, you reached out with such a thoughtful message. Can you tell us what resonated with you in episode eight about boundaries?
Tess: Absolutely. I mean, boundaries, especially in the teenage years, are just so absolutely important to set because as you very clearly said, it makes the children feel safe and they need to know that those limits are in place so we can mould them into. To grow into ethical, loving, well rounded humans. So, um, a lot of the examples that you gave were very physical things that I experienced as the mother of younger children. The drawing on the walls. Oh my gosh the day they stopped find the drawing on the walls was like amazing. And uh, you know my kids have never particularly been hitters so that's always been you know, a very delightful thing not to have to deal with. And so I could look at those examples you were giving but in a historical sense and I'm like, how does this translate to what I'm experiencing now? Where a lot more of the challenges are the emotional boundary setting and sort of appropriate behaviour. Boundary setting.
Nina: So you mentioned that you had a moment with your daughter when she was speaking rudely to you. Can you walk us through what happened and how you were feeling in that moment?
Tess: It's one of those things, isn't it? I remember the moment but I can't even remember what it was about. So I can't like even comment on the lead up because it was one of those ridiculous little things right where little miss almost 10 had done something I said, you know, coach through. Uh, it might have been something that involved her telling a very, very small, easily catch outable lie. Um, one of those. And so it's something we've been working on about getting her to pause and reflect and to reconsider her answer. And in this particular moment as she is has uh, a bit of a tendency to do. She double down, double down, triple down and the rest of the downs and ended up uh, screaming at me, screaming in my face. Which is very challenging and certainly something I've been working really hard on my response to that type of behaviour because as we all know, which is why we're here, screaming back doesn't help or solve anything. It just makes you feel bad, the kid feels worse, the whole house becomes this tension filled cesspit of anxiety and screaming.
Nina: Yeah, right.
Tess: And it doesn't help anyone. Not at all.
Nina: Thank.
Tess: I've been, I've been with this journey on you from the start. Um, and learning some of um, these techniques and, and uh, trying to put them into practise and not always perfectly and that's okay too. Um, but to, to just go. And the pause, the pause episode was really powerful as well because I was like okay, pause before I respond. So then I'm not responding in that heightened emotional state as well. So back to the boundaries thing. That got a bit tangential, didn't it?
Nina: All good.
Tess: Um, it was very much. I just, I just went okay. And I'd literally listened to the episode that day or maybe the day before. So it was really fresh in my mind and I'm like, I'm going to try It. So I just said, I'm not going to let you speak to me like this. This is not a respectful way to communicate. So when you're ready to come back and continue this conversation in a way that isn't screaming, then we can continue to talk about it. And she sort of paused and looked at me like I'd grown an extra head, which I am Tasmanian, so it's possible.
Nina: Right.
Tess: But. And then she sort of did it, you know, started to scream something at me again. And, you know, I don't like interrupting the children, but in this particular point, I just put my hand up and I said, I'm not going to let you speak to me this way. So having just that really simple message, and it was about showing
00:10:00
Tess: her that I'm taking ownership of what's acceptable towards me.
Nina: Yeah.
Tess: Anyway, so she stomped off to her room and I don't know what she did in there. She probably screamed into the pillow a few more times and stomped her feet and. And she actually came back out after and she said, mum, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. And so then it was just an, okay, that moment has passed, that, uh, behaviour has passed. She had the chance to go and reflect and then to come back and take accountability and make repair, and. Which was a beautiful moment as well. And then we had a chance to sit down and go, okay, uh, back to the original thing. Let's deal with that without that heightened.
Nina: State that is so powerful. And I like how even when you said it the first time, so you calmed yourself down, you did your statement, I won't let you X, but you can Y. And then she still didn't really listen, and you still held firm and I think, you know, putting your hand up just to say stop, you know, that's another way of getting that message across. I'm not going to accept this behaviour. I don't want to be spoken to like this. And then thinking about it more, it's teaching her that she doesn't need to be spoken to like that either. Right. It's that role modelling for how she's going to be treated in the future as well. So there's so many different aspects of this that just makes me so happy inside.
Tess: Yeah. It was a beautiful, beautiful moment, actually. And I know you had that particular example in mind as a real focus for this conversation, but of what I've been finding absolutely incredible is I'm getting these little snippets out of almost every single one of your podcast episodes, which has Just been amazing. And another one was, uh, I guess it's still, uh, I guess that line of boundary setting around this isn't working. Um, and how can we make something work? And I had, you know, my, my elder daughter, she's almost 14 and my goodness, I'm sure every teenage parent out there can attest that that smartphone is glued and like imprinted into their hand now in their psyche. And yeah, it gets to the point where they have a little bit of downtime after school. If they've got homework, they do that first. They can go on devices for a bit. And then at usually about 20 to 5, because we're at 6, I'll call them and I'll say, you know, devices away, five minute tidy up, start getting ready for dinner. So what's been happening though is the five minute tidy up happens and then miss 14, uh, goes straight back onto her phone and often downstairs. So then at 6 o', clock, when I'm expecting, because that was my instruction, that everyone's present and ready and to go for dinner, she's off down in her room talking to her friends and I'm, um, scrambling and calling out and you know, and, and I sat down and at the dinner table and I said, this is not working for our family. You know, this, the impact of this is that I'm flustered and stressed and I bring that to the table and then there's that aura of tension in the house that impacts on the evening and the evening process. So, you know, and it didn't become a, uh, I'm going to tell you what to do conversation. Like, how can we make this work better?
Nina: And.
Tess: Absolutely. So then the whole house environment, the whole family dynamic is improved and more positive and more calm. And so her outcome was to put her phone on the charger cradle, uh, at the five minute tidy up time. So then she's not tempted to just pick it up and go straight back downstairs. So love that it's those little shifts of just, you know, and that was such a beautiful little snippet that came out of that particular episode as well, of this isn't working. And this is why rather than dictating, you have to put your phone away. Having her be part of the conversation has a greater chance of compliance with what is required when they have engagement and input.
Nina: Exactly. And as a 14 year old, she's going to want some of that independence and that authority on her own life now because she is getting out there and meeting new people and doing her own thing. And by giving her that Structure and that, um, place to be able to say, no, I want my phone, and to be part of the conversation to come up with a solution, I think is just giving her so many life skills that she'll be able to take with her into the future.
Tess: It gives her agency.
Nina: Yeah, definitely.
Tess: Yeah.
Nina: So I. I can see just from a few of these storeys, that one of the main things that you've taken away, maybe from the mindful parenting, or since we've done some
00:15:00
Nina: work together, is your ability to pause and to not react in those moments and to really consider the point of view from the need. So what you need and, um, what your daughters need, and I imagine, what your husband needs as well, we won't forget about him.
Tess: Oh, yes.
Nina: So what is one thing that really has helped you be able to stay calm in these moments, whereas before you might have been reacting more quickly? Um, how do you get yourself to be calm? Because there's probably parents that are listening that are like, well, that sounds amazing, but I just go from 0 to 100 and I can't change what I do. So what have you changed and how have you been able to find that calm in your parenting?
Tess: Um, honestly, I had that mindset as well. Um, you know, I kind of came into this whole thing just sort of going, oh, yeah, as if that could possibly work. I'm not very good on the, um, the meditation and the mindful. Daily mindful practise. But then I also am, because I walk daily. So that keeps me mentally strong and physically as well, which is a nice little bonus. But that keeps me mentally strong. That gives me downtime, that gives me space, um, that gives me. Me time. So then I'm going through all aspects of my life, especially parenting, with that karma headspace. By taking that chunk of time for myself, I can then be in a better headspace to be more present. But also it was the pause. I was driving actually to drop my husband's bike to be repaired when I was listening to the pause episode. And it was just like this light bulb moment, because, yes, that's what we all aspire to do, but just by having it explained in such a clear, simple way and also in a way in a way that gave it a name for what you're actually doing. Because, uh, when you say the pause, I see that capitalised when I'm imagining you speak. And it is. It is taking just the strength and the ability to work on yourself so that you can pause, breathe, and to the child, it doesn't look like you're doing much, but in your own head, you're de escalating from, you know, your nine and a half, ten shouting level back down to a six, probably to start with, and then coming back down, you know, through the stages to the point where you can have that calmer response.
Nina: Yeah, exactly. And it makes such a difference. And even though you say you're not good at the mindfulness and the meditation, taking that time in nature is so worthwhile and you're being mindful without even realising. So I think that's wonderful. Good on you.
Tess: Well, it's about finding what is mindful to each person. Some people love the guided meditation with the candle and the quiet dark room and all of that. And some people love to go and pound on the bike track. So, you know, whatever works.
Nina: I had a previous client, she loved to put on the headphones and listen to heavy metal music.
Tess: Oh, totally. I can resonate with that.
Nina: Yeah.
Tess: Yes.
Nina: Okay. So what would you say to another parent listening who might be struggling with disrespect or emotional boundaries and who isn't sure how to handle it without yelling or shutting down?
Tess: Be kind to yourself. Um, is the biggest one. Because you don't always get it right. My gosh. I probably. Well, some days it feels like I get it wrong more than I get it right. But every little moment you do give get it right and you do respond in a calm, simple, kind way just gives you that confidence that it is possible that you can keep doing and that it's worth persisting with because the conversations are better, the outcomes are more positive and loving. And the more that I've been able to react in a calm, kind way, the more I'm noticing that the kids are coming to me with a concern before it becomes a really big issue. So I think that's the thing, is just be kind to yourself and just keep practising.
Nina: Yeah. Because we're not perfect humans. No one is a perfect human. And we're going to make mistakes.
Tess: Yeah.
Nina: The sooner that we can just embrace it. Imperfect parenting, you know, let go of that guilt about perhaps saying something that we didn't mean to say or reacting away we didn't mean to say. And just responding to ourself with kindness and calmness in those situations, I think is so important. So that's a really great message. Thank you. Tess M. Well, it's.
Tess: It, isn't it? You can't respond with calm and kindness to other people if you haven't done that to yourself first.
Nina: Exactly. Exactly. Another question I wanted to Ask was, since you started doing this more mindful parenting, have you noticed
00:20:00
Nina: any shifts in your children in the way that they respond to these stressful situations or challenges?
Tess: Uh, I think that's still very much a work in progress, um, as it is for all of us. Um, as you say, none of us are perfect. So, you know, I think that, I think that when I hold calm and set those calm, clear boundaries around emotional behaviour as well, it's not something that can be argued against. And um, we all know that a teenage, especially a teenage girl loves a good argue. So if you, if you give them something that can't be disputed and can't be argued against, then, ah, it de escalates them as well, you know, giving them the option to go have their space. Absolutely. Take your moment, come back, we'll deal with this when everyone's in a more stable headspace.
Nina: Yeah, yeah, very nice. Yep, that makes perfect sense. Okay, so finally, and I ask all my guests this question. What's one small shift that can make a big impact in your parenting?
Tess: Um, I'm going to feel like a broken record, but be kind to yourself, be kind and keep practising. And if that's all that anyone takes out of listening to this today is just be kind to yourself and keep practising.
Nina: Can I just push you a little bit further, Tess, and ask you, how does one be kind to themselves?
Tess: Treat yourself the way you would someone that you didn't know very well.
Nina: Mhm.
Tess: Because we're really nice to strangers and acquaintances, but we're not always very nice to ourselves.
Nina: Your inner dialogue, isn't it?
Tess: It is. It's how we talk to other people and we're very kind to strangers and very kind to people we don't know well. So turning that inwards into how you talk to yourself.
Nina: Beautiful. M. Well look. Thank you, Tess. That brings us to the end of our chat today. Thank you so much for sharing your storey and wisdom with us. And if you're listening and you got something out of Tess's conversation, I'd love you to let me know what stood out for you today.
Tess: Thank you so much for having me, Nina. It's been an absolute pleasure and you keep doing the amazing job you're doing and I'll keep listing and getting my snippets.
Nina: Thank you, Tess. So let's pause for a moment and zoom out because what Tess shared so beautifully is that this structure I won't let you X, but you can Y still works even when the behaviour isn't physical. What shifts a little is the tone and the type of alternative that we offer. So, for example, I won't let you speak to me like that. I'm happy to talk when we're both feeling calm. I won't let you lie to me. It's okay to feel worried. You can always tell me the truth and we'll work it out together. These are still boundaries. They're still firm, but they're relational. They keep the door, uh, open for connection, understanding, and emotional safety. And Tess showed this so well in the example that she shared. And often behind these moments of rudeness or dishonesty, there's a deeper need to be heard, to feel safe, to test the boundary and see if you're still there, still steady. So we don't just correct the behaviour. We get curious about what's underneath. Boundaries are never about control. They're about creating safety so that our children can feel safe enough to grow, explore, and learn from their mistakes. I love that conversation with Tess because it shows how the tools we use for physical safety can also guide us when the hurt is emotional. Rudeness, disrespect, lying. They still need a boundary. But the way we hold that boundary matters. So here's your take home challenge this week, and I have two for you. Next time your child speaks rudely or crosses an emotional line, try the same format. I won't let you speak to me that way, but I'm happy to talk when we're both calm. Or I won't let you lie to me. It's okay to feel nervous, but I'd rather hear the truth so we can work through it together. Set the boundary clearly, calmly, kindly. And this is where the real connection and learning happens. And your second take home action this week is to remember to be kind to yourself. Like Tess said, cheque in on your inner dialogue and how you're speaking to yourself so that, uh, if you have done something which maybe you didn't quite like or maybe you weren't proud of, you can forgive yourself and move on. As always, you're doing such important work. Thank you for showing up for your kids and for yourself. Talk to you next week.
Nina: Thanks for Listening to your Calm Parenting Path. I am so glad you're here, and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing
00:25:00
Nina: list@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com for more tips and insights or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your calm parenting path.
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