Ep28. How to Stop Being the Referee in Sibling Fights

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When the house fills with shouting, accusations, and cries of “It’s mine!”, it can feel like you’re trapped in the middle of your children’s chaos. In this episode of Your Calm Parenting Path, Nina explores how to respond mindfully when sibling fights erupt - without taking sides, losing your cool, or spending every afternoon playing referee. You’ll discover simple, effective ways to guide your kids toward cooperation, empathy, and connection instead of competition and resentment.

You'll Learn

• Why sibling fights happen, even in loving homes

• How to pause, breathe, and respond instead of react

• Five common traps parents fall into - and what to try instead

• A three-step mindful process for when conflict turns physical

• How to nurture individuality and teamwork between siblings

Why This Episode Matters

Sibling rivalry isn’t a parenting failure - it’s a natural part of growing up and learning how to share space, love, and attention.

When you stop being the referee and start being a calm coach, you model empathy and problem-solving. These small, mindful shifts build long-term skills for your children: managing big feelings, resolving conflict, and repairing relationships with compassion.

Instead of aiming for perfect harmony, you’ll learn how to create a family rhythm built on respect and emotional safety.

Take Home Action - When You're Stuck in Big Feelings

Next time your children start another round of sibling fights, pause before stepping in.

Say, “It looks like you’re having a hard time together. One at a time, tell me what’s going on.”

Listen to each child and reflect what you hear.

f things escalate, remember the mindful three-step tool: Describe – Limit – Separate.

You’re not fixing every fight - you’re guiding your kids toward calm communication.

Take the Next Step

Join me for The Calm Summer Blueprint - a one-hour live masterclass on 3 December designed to help parents handle sibling fights and daily routines with confidence and ease.

You’ll walk away with strategies to keep the peace, regulate your own emotions, and actually enjoy the holidays.

🎟 Early-bird pricing and bonuses are available now — register here

Links and Resources

• Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (note, this is an affiliate link)

• Podcast Episodes:

• Ep12. Are You Really Listening to Your Child? Part 1: Why Kids Stop Talking

• Ep13. Are You Really Listening to Your Child? Part 2: How to Be a Better Listener

• Register for The Calm Summer Blueprint Masterclass

  
  

Let’s Connect

Want more support? Follow Nina on Instagram, or sign up for tips and updates at mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au.

Have a question or parenting challenge you'd like addressed on the podcast? Send a DM or an email.

• Follow Nina on Instagram

• Website: mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

• Email: nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au

About the Host

Nina Visic is a mindful parenting coach, speaker, and mum of three energetic boys who know exactly how to push each other’s buttons — and hers. Through her own journey of transforming yelling and exhaustion into calm connection, Nina discovered the power of mindfulness to shift family dynamics from chaos to cooperation.

As the creator of Your Calm Parenting Path and founder of Mindful Parenting Lifestyle, she helps parents move from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident, and connected. Her work draws on evidence-based tools from mindfulness and Parent Effectiveness Training to teach practical strategies for emotional regulation, communication, and compassion.

Having navigated countless sibling fights in her own home, Nina understands that mindful parenting isn’t about perfection — it’s about presence. Each episode, workshop, and coaching session she offers invites parents to slow down, tune in, and build homes where both parents and children feel seen, safe, and supported.

Transcript

This transcript was created using Headliner. It has been copied and pasted but not proofread or edited, so it may contain errors or inaccuracies.

Episode 28 FINAL

Nina: You're listening to youo Calm Parenting Path. I'm your host, Nina, a mindful parenting coach and mum, here to help you go from overwhelmed and reactive to calm, confident and connected with your kids. This show is for parents who want to raise their children with more patience, less stress and a whole lot more joy. Because small shifts make a big impact and you can build the parenting life you've always wanted. If you want to see what I'm up to, follow me on Instagram indfulparentinglifestyle and don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's get started.

Nina: Hi there and welcome back. If you've got more than one child, or even if your child has regular playdates, you've probably heard the squabbles, the shouting, the either it's mine or he did it first and you always take her side. Sibling rivalry is loud, it's emotional, and, um, let's be honest, it can really push our buttons. So in today's episode of youf Calm Parenting Path, we're diving into something every multi child household deals. Siblings who fight. We're not going to try to stop the fighting altogether. That's not realistic. It's probably not good for your kids either. Instead, we'll explore how to respond in a way that reduces conflict, builds connection, and supports your children in learning how to live together respectfully. A lot of what I'll be sharing today comes from one of my favourite parenting books of all time, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich. I've pulled out just the juicy bits.

Nina: The ideas that I think will have the biggest impact right away.

Nina: If you want to dive deeper, though.

Nina: The link to the full book is in the show notes, I highly recommend it. But let's begin today with a question we've all asked. Why do siblings fight? Even in loving, stable homes, with patient parents and routines in place, the rivalry still shows up. Here's a helpful way to understand it. Imagine your partner came home one day and said, honey, I love you so much, I've decided to bring in another partner. Don't worry, I'll love you both equally. How would you feel? That's how it can feel for a child. When a sibling arrives, they didn't ask for this extra person and now they're.

Nina: Expected to share your time, your attention, your space, and somehow just get along. Rivalry comes from competition. And in a child's eyes, the competition is for you, for your love, your approval, your presence. So let's stop expecting siblings to get along all the time and start teaching them how to navigate disagreements with respect. And the key to that is, as most things in mindful parenting, it starts with us and how we respond in those heated moments. Here's a common the kids are fighting, you're stressed. You walk into the room and say something like, stop it, you two. Who started it? I want the truth. That's it. I'm taking the toy and you're both going to your rooms. Sound familiar? It's so easy to jump in as judge and jury, to pick a side.

Nina: To shut it down.

Nina: But that rarely leads to resolution. Here's where mindfulness comes in.

Nina: Mindfulness helps us pause, take a breath and notice our own reaction without acting on it right away.

Nina: In those moments, you might try silently.

Nina: Saying to yourself, I don't need to fix this right now. I can get curious. Then, instead of rushing in with blame or solutions, we step in with calm. So you could try this instead. It looks like you're both upset. I'm here to help you figure it out. It's simple, but it shifts the dynamic completely from control to connection, from judgement to curiosity. And that changes everything.

Nina: So let's break down some of the common traps that we fall into as parents and what we can try instead. The first pitfall is to compare siblings. You know, why can't you be more like your sister? She always tidies up. We've all done it. But comparison breeds resentment, so you could try. You've left your things on the floor. Let's put them away before lunch. Focus

00:05:00

Nina: on the behaviour, not the sibling. Here's an example for you. A parent noticed that whenever she praised one child by comparing them to the other. So, you know, look how helpful your brother is. It would trigger more defiance from the other child when she shifted to neutral praise. Thanks for helping.

Nina: I really appreciate that.

Nina: She invited the other child in with something like, want to be my sorting assistant? The tension eased over time.

Nina: Small shift, big impact.

Nina: Pitfall number two is all around taking sides, saying things like, who started it?

Nina: Give it back now. You hit him first. Try this instead. I see you're both upset. One at a time, I'll listen, then let each child speak. Reflect what you hear. Even just being heard often diffuses the heat. Now I have two episodes, all about listening to your children. And you'll find the links to those in the show notes. If you wanted to learn more about listening. Pitfall three is to minimise or shame the feelings. So don't say that about your brother. That's not Nice. You could try. Sounds like you're really frustrated with your brother. Tell me more. You're not endorsing unkindness. Um, you're just making space for the emotions to move. Feelings, once heard, often soften. The fourth pitfall is that, uh, everything must be equal trap. We try to give the same amount of attention. Praise, snacks, hugs to each child. But Faber and Mazlich remind us that children don't need equal love. They need to feel uniquely loved. Isn't that beautiful? So try this. You're the only you in the world. I love everything that makes you you. Instead of giving equal time, give time according to need. That's not unfair, that's being attuned.

Nina: The final pitfall that we often see when it comes to sibling rivalry is labelling roles. So she's always the bully or always the instigator. He's the sensitive one. When we lock kids into roles, they start living up to them. I unfortunately, have gotten in the habit of calling one of my sons the most helpful child. And this is something that I'm working on myself. Instead of labelling your child, address the behaviour in the moment. That was a hurtful choice. I won't let you hit your brother. Let's talk about what's going on. And when someone's been hurt. Don't. Huh? Focus on the aggressor. Turn to the injured child first. Are you okay? That looked like it hurt. I'm um. Here. That builds safety and models empathy to both children. Now, as a little bonus, what do you do when your children are getting physical with one another? Here is a three step mindful intervention from Faber and Mazlic. Step one is to describe.

Nina: Describe what you're seeing. I see hitting and shouting.

Nina: That's not safe.

Nina: The second step is to set limits. I won't let anyone get hurt. And the third is to separate. Lets take a break to calm down. You're not punishing, you're protecting. Okay, so you can't force your children to love each other all the time. But you can create the conditions for connection. And I've got three ways that you can help do that. The first way is to celebrate individuality. You're so creative with your drawings. Note you're not saying you're the arty one and he's the sporty one.

Nina: Let each child feel seen for who they are, not in comparison, but for who they are. The second tip is to encourage teamwork. Let's see if you two can carry all the shopping bags in together. You're a Great team. Often, if you need to tidy up a space, it's easy to say who can pick up the most toys. But what if you switch that to say, let's see if together you can pick up all the toys in 10 minutes? These little shared missions build trust and a sense of being on the same side. The third tip is to set firm but kind boundaries. I, uh, won't let you hurt your brother. If you're feeling angry, I'm here to help you. Boundaries create safety, and safety is what allows love to grow over time. These small mindful shifts reduce rivalry and they build a foundation of mutual respect.

Nina: So

00:10:00

Nina: your small shift for big impact that I invite you to try this week.

Nina: Next time your kids are in conflict.

Nina: Instead of rushing in and being judge and jury, simply pause.

Nina: Say it looks like you're having a hard time together. One at a time, tell me what's going on.

Nina: Then reflect back what you hear. If it's safe, let them try to work it out. And if it's not, remember the three steps. Describe, limit, separate. You're not there to fix every fight. You're there to coach calmly, kindly, mindfully. Sibling rivalry is normal. It's not a parenting failure. It's part of learning how to be in a relationship with others. And with the right tools, these tricky moments can actually become opportunities. Opportunities to model compassion, communication and care. Now, if the thought of navigating more sibling rivalry over the summer holidays makes your shoulders tense up a little, you're not alone. The long break can feel overwhelming, especially when you're juggling work, home life and keeping everyone happy.

Nina: That's why I'm running a special masterclass called the Calm Summer Blueprint. It's a one hour masterclass to help you feel prepared, supported, and actually look forward to the school holidays. In this session, I'll walk you through how to create flexible rhythm for your days handling sibling conflict with more calm. And stay regulated yourself so you don't feel like a referee 24 7. It's all happening on the 3rd of December, and early bird pricing is available now, so don't miss your chance to grab some great bonuses as well. Now, if today's episode has you thinking, I need more of this over summer. You can find all the details to register for the masterclass in the show notes. And if you found this episode helpful, I'd love it if you shared with a friend or left a quick review.

Nina: It really does help spread the calm further. Until next time, I'm Nina and this is your calm parenting path. Thanks for Listening to youo Calm Parenting Path I am so glad you're here, and I hope this episode gave you something useful to take into your parenting journey. If you'd like to dive deeper, sign up to my mailing list@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com for more tips and insights. Um, or book a free chat to learn how we can work together. And don't forget to hit, follow or subscribe so you never miss an episode. I look forward to speaking with you next time on your Calm Parenting Path.

00:12:48